Ah, the cellular phone. Or handy, as they call it Germany. The trubka, in Russia. The cordless phone, in my head. Still cannot get over that. It’s a phone without a cord! Antonio Meucci, the real, actual, historically accurate and completely proven inventor of the telephone, would be proud. Actually, although I can’t speak for him on behalf of the mobile telephone, I do know that he wouldn’t have liked the cordless telephone. Let me explain.
The inventor of the cordless telephone, or at least, the first patent, was a man called George Sweigert. He was born in Akron, Ohio, USA. On February 19, 1803, President Thomas Jefferson signed an act of Congress that approved Ohio’s boundaries and constitution. His mother was Jane Randolph, granddaughter of Scottish gentry. If Scotland had never existed, Jane Randolph never would’ve existed, Thomas Jefferson never would’ve existed, Ohio never would’ve existed and who knows, George Sweigert may have never existed. The cordless telephone? Never would have happened. All because of Scotland. So Meucci is first screwed over by a former friend in Alexander Graham Bell, a Scottish man, stealing his plans for a telephone, and then gets his invention modified, altered and changed because of the Scots. He wouldn’t have liked that. Anyone but a Scot. I can just see him sitting at his desk in his lab throwing darts at a picture of Scotland taped to a dartboard, and then throwing his eighth empty bottle of whisky at it.
I don’t own a mobile phone. I hate them. Pointless inventions. I don’t like being able to be reached anywhere. The second I could receive a telephone call on the toilet was the very same second I lost faith in human ingenuity. You all know I’m old-fashioned and prefer that life, and I’m trying to preserve its memory in my world for as long as I can. I don’t have a mobile telephone and shall fight ownership of one for as long as I can.
“Mobile phone, Ally?”
“ARRGH! Stay back, I tells ya!”
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