Ah, home remedies. The swansong for the quack. That’s harsh, I know. But I’m a man of science. Everything needs a logical reason. For example, hitting someone on the back of the head with a guitar to cure a headache sounds highly illogical, but at least it makes a faint degree of sense. I admit that it might also kill them, but either way, their headache is gone.
Home remedies fly in the face of this. They are an illogical anomaly, metaphorically represented by a baseball bat, furiously beating logic, order, maths and science to a pulp. Quirks of nature. Quirks of fallacy. I like them. I like rules but I occasionally fall for the exception to the rules. The unexplainable and inexplicable. I just fall for them. Like a teenage girl falling for a bad boy. Did I just compare myself to a teenage girl? Oh, heck.
They don’t work for everyone. To cure my hiccups, I hold my nose, down a one-pint glass of cold water with precisely fourteen gulps (without releasing said nostrils), and then take a big intake of breath. Never failed me. But from my interactions with other humans, I’ve concluded this only works with me. Elsewhere, science tells us that biting a pencil to cure a headache works for every human, and that there are no exceptions. Well, Mr. Science, you’re talking complete hoolah. Does not work for me. Put that into your equation and calculate it.
I hate colds. But grandma knows best, and from how I treat my colds, grandma must have been a drunk. Get a one-pint glass, fill it as far to the top as possible with whisky, heat it, put in a tiny amount of lemonade and sugar, and down it as fast as possible. It must be consumed in less than ten minutes or it will not work. Also, the whisky must be at least 40 percent volume or it will not work. 50 or 60 percent is best. I tried it with 65 percent, once.
For some reason, I cannot remember what happened next.
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