A class of explosive pyrotechnic devices used for aesthetic, cultural and religious purposes, which date back to the seventh century. From a thing of pure celebration to a thing for morons. Proof? The record for the most fireworks set off in 30 seconds is 125,801, set in the Philippines. Why? I mean, why? Just – just, why? What – what kind of devil spirit possessed the organizers of that pointless activity? There’s no human endeavour there. It’s barely more than human cocking about. Why? What – what – what – hmm – who – hmm – what – huh? It gets worse, too. The largest firework rocket ever weighed an incredible 30 pounds. 30! That’s nearly four of me at birth. That’s basically a bomb. And people were cheering? You don’t cheer a bomb. Trust me on that, I’m English, we saw plenty of them. The only time we ever cheered when a bomb went off was when we were trying to forget about our troubles by engaging in ‘Victorian pursuits’ in the air raid shelters.
Fireworks aren’t that common in the UK. New Years. Maybe Christmas. Various foreign occasions and events, Chinese New Year, for example. But mainly Guy Fawkes Day. November 5. Bloody, bloody, bloody November 5. Sigh. When are people gonna stop having fun? It’s not even fun. Read a book in front of a fire. Smoke a pipe whilst regaling children tales from yesteryear. Make love to your missus. Waltz to Glen Miller’s In the Mood. ANYTHING BUT BLOODY FIREWORKS! You can’t make love to your partner with that racket going on! It’s distracting! It sounds like your conceiving the antichrist.
Anyone over the age of 18 can buy a firework in the UK, but cannot use them between 11 p.m. and 7 a.m., with exceptions on New Year, Bonfire Night, The Chinese New Year and Diwali. The general public cannot buy a firework over 4.4 pounds. In weight, that is. Thank God. It’s somewhat ironic that Bonfire Night is the celebration of the failure of the Gunpowder Plot by using gunpowder, and later its descendents. It’s very British, huh? We wouldn’t be celebrating if they were successful. WE’RE ACKNOWLEDGING TERRORISTS! Failure or not, that is completely screwed up, people!
It’s not just the illogicality of it. Or the noise. Or the kids who throw them at occupied houses, very common in deprived areas here in the UK. Or the fact that fireworks occasionally set nearby trees or bins on fire. Or the fact that young children with sparklers are adorable, yet children shouldn’t be holding anything on that’s on fire. Or even the constant drone and wheeze until five in the morn. Or that it was originally celebrated by hanging Catholics, of which I am one. It’s that it’s false fun. It’s mistaken. It’s torturous. It’s not right. Fireworks should be illegal. People should put down those bombs, pick up the pipe and regale once more. The good old days. If I ever have children, on November 5, I’m gonna lock them in the house and close the curtains. FIREWORKS ARE NOT FUN!
Sadly, I can’t see them being made illegal happening. I guess I’ll have to suffer.
I don’t like them. Never have, not even as a child, and I never will.
What are your thoughts on fireworks, readers?
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