“ARRRRGH! ALIEN!” Hiding under a rock didn’t work. The screaming sort of ruined any chance of hiding. He knew exactly where I was. I hoped the smell coming from my underwear would’ve deterred him, but sadly, it didn’t. Mmm. He was alien. Maybe he liked it. Maybe he was the first person ever to like anything that came out of me. But how was I any different to that kitten he just ate? That long, wooden stick with a sharp pointy end he used to harpoon that kitty could easily tear out my left eyeball. And I like my left eyeball. I did the logical thing. I was a man. I decided to confront him. I stood up, stared at his midriff, looked up at his small yet bulging yellow eyes eight feet into the air, took off my shoe and threw it at him. I tried to run but I didn’t get very far. I only had one shoe on.
I awoke on a table in a white room. Very plain. No decoration. Very modern. Very Swedish. Oh, crap, the Swedes weren’t aliens, were they? Certainly explains a lot. I presume the alien I attacked was the one I could see to my left, the only alien in the room. Same outfit. Well, I say outfit. Loincloth, more like. Although I could certainly see a lot of loin. Certainly a dude. There was also the shoe mark on his face. He saw me looking. Wondered why I was looking at his colossal super wang. I was wondering that too, actually.
I wondered when the probing would start. I wasn’t restrained. I was a tad pissed off he was wearing my watch. “You bastard!” Probably wasn’t the best first contact. He walked over to me. Tall. Dark green skin. Very skinny but a strong posture. Humanoid. Claw like hands and feet. Chunky neck and a weird flap of skin beneath his chin. A domed head with protruding facial features. A small nose and a wide mouth. Large, visible bony eye sockets. No nipples. Weird. He started stroking my face and smelling me. It was as if I was reliving my first date. Right down to the wang. Although the element of surprise was greatly different.
I’m sure he was smiling. Although he may have been wondering when I’d stop his blatant groping. I just wanted to go home and have a long shower. He went back to ignoring me. So I decided to ignore him. He was messing around with buttons so I decided to mess around with some buttons. He came over and pressed a button near me. There was a screen in front of me. A game started. Oh God, bloody Angry Birds.
He presented me with a piano keyboard. I started to play Y.M.C.A., because I thought who better was there to initiate cross species relationship building than The Village People. Suddenly, a large release of water-like fluid evacuated from his lower regions. Well, that’s a new one on me. “Is that a normal reaction to The Village People?” I asked. He started emitting a low hum and stroking his chin skin. Definitely Swedish.
I walked over to a window. I looked out over Earth. “Home – I want to go home. I have a falafel waiting for me”. I turned around to face him. “Falafel”, he said. Ah. Well. It was a start. He patted his chest. Oh. That was his name. “Really?” I asked. He started humming again. “That’s a stupid name”, I said. He pushed my head back and banged it off the glass. Falafel didn’t like my remarks. I had a point, though.
I went back to playing Angry Birds. A few moments of frantic button pushing later, I heard a whooshing noise. I turned around and Falafel was gone. Oh, crap. I’d beamed him out of the ship by accident. Well, that was that, then. All I could do was watch him float away toward Earth. I ran to get help but I slipped over on the Falafel juice. So I did the logical thing. I went back to playing Angry Birds.
I spent much of the rest of my time trying to steal stuff. There wasn’t a lot. The room was mostly occupied by Earth stuff. A Pac-Man machine. Pong. Julius. A photo of Steve Jobs. A flower. A cryogenically frozen Bill Clinton, which is strange because he wasn’t dead yet. Ooooh! What if our Bill was really – oh, no, it can’t be – what if, he, oh no. Bill was a Hum Jangler! That’s what I’d called them.
I needed proof. I needed to get home. I needed a wee. I needed a lot of things. I tried to reactivate the beam thingy. I managed it! Hoorah! A beam appeared, a constant beam. I threw some coins into it. And they appeared outside! I figured something out! For the first time in my life! Nothing could go wrong! Although the coins that I threw into the beam were beamed outside and destroyed Hubble. Erm, whoops.
Ah. Finally. I could pee. Straight into the beam. It was perfect. Unfortunately, I was distracted momentarily by the sound of Hubble crashing into the ship I was on. I must have been the only person onboard. I needed to grab some proof and get out. But my astray pee had other ideas. It had fried the electrics. I couldn’t stand still after the collision, it was hardly my fault. A deep rumbling rocked the ship. It shuddered and explosions sparked. I would’ve been fine if Superman wasn’t busy with his televised chess match with Robin…
The ship hurtled toward the Earth. I was crashing. “OH LORDY-LOO, SAVE ME FALAFEL! YOU OWE ME YOU HUM JANGLER PICKPOCKET!” I crashed. Well, at least I had proof. I mean, I was dead but at least I had proof. Unfortunately, humankind thought I was the alien and dissected me and put me on display. At least the ship’s technology brought light and hope to millions. A hero’s death.
As for Falafel? He landed in my shed after being pulled down to Earth by our gravity. He assumed my identity, wore pale pink makeup and wore a trilby all the time. As for the face, well, everyone just presumed I was always that ugly.
And do you know what the worst part of all this was, readers?
He ate my bloody falafel.
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