The Pitcairn Islands are a group of four volcanic islands in the southern Pacific Ocean that form a British Overseas Territory. Over the total area of 18 square miles, there is a total population of 56. Just 56. And there isn’t just one Blue Man Group. There are many. In total, 60 actors play Blue Men around the world. 60! There are more Blue Men than there are residents of Pitcairn. If you put all the Blue Men in the world on Pitcairn, the natives would be outnumbered by four. Imagine waking up one morning, looking out of your window, and seeing a sea of blue men. You know, why is Hollywood constantly remaking classics? They should come to me for ideas. The Pitcairn Islands are invaded by Blue Men. Hopelessly outnumbered, it’s up to the natives to fight back with the help of Jean-Claude Van Damme, for some reason. Coming soon to a cinema near you, Nowhere to Pitcairn…
They should really be called The Blue Men Group, because ‘man’ is grammatically incorrect and highly irritating. Even regarding the original three, it didn’t make much sense. They’re not – they’re men. Oh, flip it, who cares? Because if you shave your head and blue yourself, you’re not exactly worried about grammar are you? They’re frauds, if anything. Complete frauds. We’re being led to believe that these are three, intelligent men, possibly university graduates, who had a mid-life crisis, painted themselves blue and started blowing into a drainpipe. I mean, what in the name of all that’s holy possessed them to do this? Surely the world would’ve been better off if they’d you know, become a baker, grocer and a cobbler. Sigh. But they didn’t. There’s something else, too. I wonder how long they stay in character for. I wonder if their children are blue. I wonder if they drop their children off to school in character.
These aren’t the normal things a human should be wondering about, are they?
I do worry if I join The Blue Men Group that it’s like scientology. Or Jehovah’s Witnesses. You know, something we don’t know a lot about and hear weird stories about. I wonder if it’s a cult. I wonder if they’re real. They might be holograms. ‘Joining’ may very well be a euphemism for death and hologram reincarnation. And that really doesn’t sound appealing to me, readers. If this sounds like a crazy reason not to join, I’ll give you another. They shave their heads. You know I have lovely long hair. If I shave it off, I may as well be dead. And I am not covering myself in paint. I have never been painted. Really. Not even facial paint. I hear awful stories about that. And blue isn’t my colour, in any case. Maybe I could form The Red Man Group. We could have an interpretive dance off against The Blue Man Group once every Hanukah…
I’m not tall enough, I’m not healthy or athletic enough, I can’t play any instrument, and I already look weird, joining the group would be an acceptance of that weirdness and I don’t want to embrace it in any way. And you know the biggest problem? In the auditions, the auditioners say that you must have one thing. One key thing to be a Blue Man. “You must create a transcending experience for the people”. What the heck does that mean? Oh. I’m not cut out to be a Blue Man. I just don’t think it’s my calling in life. And if it was, to blue up and dance around on stage playing various drainage items, I wouldn’t join even then. I’d seek professional help. I really would.
Would you join The Blue Man/Men Group, readers?
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