I would like to start by saying that I’m not referencing the extremely dire band of the same name. Hair is far more fascinating than it sounds. There are whole departments of universities based on hair. A profession that must make one’s mother so incredibly proud. They even have hair maps, a map of what percentage of the male population of each part of the world has androgenic (body) hair. Egypt is looking pretty hairy at 70%, whereas Southern USA is at 40%, but strangely, China is at 5%. It’s often believed that this bodily hair is a part of sexual selection, although I’ve yet to meet a woman who professed adoration for foot hair. I don’t think it’s at the top of their list, personally. Beards, maybe, but foot hair? Hmm, I’m not so sure.
Of course, it wasn’t until recently it was an issue. 1994, to be exact, when a modern world piled pressure on us dear old men to become conscious of things like toe hair. The year that gave us supreme narcissism and a colossal ego. The year men ditched masculinity and took to wearing designer clothes and designer stubble. Expensive hair and a body hairless and smooth as the day they were born. Supreme vanity, a life surrounded by mirrors. Women took to that trend rather quickly. Drool piled up and masculine, old-fashioned men felt left out. They weren’t getting any attention. So they shaved and groomed, tidied and brushed off the crumbs from their cheap shirts bought at a cheap market. The bear belly was out, the super abs were in. Strict diets and a healthy exercise regime. But then women, ‘very surprisingly’, changed their minds, and come the 2000s, they wanted real men. Hairy, flabby men. Now the formerly flabby men were the ones in the cold, and the shiny pretty boys were out of fashion. Hairiness came back with a bang.
Honestly, guys, it doesn’t matter if you’re not a pretty boy. Some girls will always like the pretty boys and some girls will always like the plumpy boys. Just because one has the feet of a long extinct super ape, doesn’t mean someone won’t love you. It’s true all women hate hairy feet, but there are many who ignore these foibles. Women are incredibly good at choosing what parts of you they like and ignoring what parts of you they don’t like. This, for me, is the key to foot hair. The only reason I’ve ever come across for not liking it. If you’re comfortable with who you are, which you should be, then it doesn’t matter what others think. Especially women. If you think they won’t like you because of your foot hair, then you have your priorities very wrong.
I don’t mind. My feet and toes are mildly hairy. I trim the hair but that’s only to stop them catching on my socks, which, by the way, hurts like a bitch, ladies. My legs are very hairy. It’s very… unnerving. That sort of hairiness. I don’t really have a hairy chest, although I have had something of a ‘spurt’ lately, just on the right hand side. My arms aren’t that hairy. My back isn’t hairy at all. My face is very hairy. And I have ridiculously long hair on my head. My head hair is a multitude of shades of brown, from auburn, to sienna, to very dark brown. Most of the rest of my hair is extremely light brown, except from the waist down where it’s black all the way. I’m a complete mess of hair and I don’t care. Foot hair is foot hair. It is what it is. It’s something that is there. And I don’t mind mine at all.
What do you think of foot hair, readers?
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