Here’s a fun fact. You’re adopted. Or, at the very least, you’ll probably be doubting your parentage. Go and find a photo of your parents. I’ll wait. Do-do-do-do, de-de-de, hum-de-hum, to-la-la-la-la. Oh, hello. Are they smiling? They need to be smiling. Are they? Good. Do they have dimples? Science has conclusively proven, so that’s fact, that those of us who have at least one dimpled parent must have dimples. So if your mother, father or both does in that photo and you don’t, you are adopted. Congratulations. Or commiserations. Depending on whether or not you like your family. What’s remarkable is that it also works the other way round. If you have dimples and your parents don’t, then, erm, yeah, they’re probably not your parents. But then again, it doesn’t mean at least one of them isn’t. Your mother, for example. There’s a possibility she’s a… erm. Ooh. How do you say that nicely? A lady of promiscuity. But don’t worry if it turns out you are adopted, I’m sure your parents still love you. Unless they deny the million and one studies that prove this dimple theory. So there’s a little fact for you all. It’s a service I provide, it really is.
It’s a funny word, is dimple. It popped up circa 1400 from an Old English word meaning, “pothole”. What causes them? God with a staple gun? Maybe. Science tells us it’s the zygomaticus major, a facial muscle attached to the skin of one’s cheeks. Dimples appear when the muscle pulls hard enough to cause dimples. Why? Because in those people the muscle is too short. Most children have them but as they grow up, their facial muscles are stretched and their dimples disappear. But some folk keep them and that causes many to think dimples are cute. In fact, that is standard knowledge. All dimples are cute. But that is changing, readers. There’s a dimple revolution coming. Wave after wave of detractors. How do I know this? Because I am one! Cue lightning and multiple thunderclaps…
They’re just not attractive. Little craters on your face. I mean, why? I don’t find them cute and I’m sorry, I know it’s not a popular opinion, but I don’t care. It’s supposed to have something to do with dimples on babies, that we associate dimple cuteness with babies, who all have dimples, who are all intrinsically cute. I just don’t get that. I mean, what, why, huh? When I see a girl with dimples, I don’t think, ‘Man alive, what a beautiful girl!’ I think, ‘My God, what has happened to your face?’ Seriously. I wouldn’t say ‘no’ to dating a girl with dimples, that’s a bit extreme, but it wouldn’t be a factor in choosing to date her. I’m sorry, I know saying dimples aren’t fantastic is like saying you hate puppies, which I do, but you’re wrong. Next time you see a bedimpled person, just stop and think. What you’re attracted to is shortness of muscle. Well, whatever floats your boat, as they say.
Me? I don’t have them. And I’m proud of that. I don’t fit into the crowd. I stand out. I’m a rebel against dimples, which doesn’t sound very rebellious, but stay with me on this. Because what women really want, is a rebel. Because when a girl dates me, she’s gone not for the obvious choice, the dimpled cutey, but for me. And that means I’ve won.
I don’t have a problem with dimples, they’re something some have and some don’t, but am I attracted to them? No. And that’s my problem with dimples. They’re just not for me.
What are your thoughts on dimples, reader-pops?
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