I imagine that one who dares accuse me of running out of questions has now been left embarrassed by just how wrong they were. I mean, who doesn’t want to hear about the exciting world of sock garters? Hmm? Oh. You don’t know what they are. Hmm, that’s not good. I could post a picture of me wearing them and nothing else, but that would probably get me put on some kind of government register. Sock garters are elastic bands that wrap around the upper calf just below the knee. Attached to the elastic band is a rubber grip that grips at the top of the sock and fastens to it with a metal clip. Thus, the sock has been prevented from collapse to ankle height. One could argue that such an invention is antiquated crap, from the olden days. And you would be right. But they are making something of a comeback. Retro chic is back with an almighty bang. Although that bang could just be the elastic snapping, it’s unclear at this stage.
There’s a risk of skin exposure. Nobody likes to see a man cross-legged and his hairy lower calf on show. But that’s the problem we have here. The socks are slipping. They don’t stay up. If you go out to work, by the time you come back, your socks, your poor socks! They’ve fallen from the upright position. It’s a disaster! The entire world can now see your lower leg. Can you imagine how shocking that was to the Elizabethans who invented sock garters? These were people who wore several layers of clothes. Foreplay for them was spending two hours undressing each other, and if she had any libido left after that, it’d be gone the second she sees you with nothing on but sock garters.
Of course, one could argue that this is an archaic viewpoint. Have you seen what the modern world is full of these days? Young women with short tops and thongs hanging out over whatever the hell jeggings are, and men with t-shirts so tight, that when you see them, their nipples wave at you. People don’t want to cover up any more. So you show a bit of ankle? What’s the big deal? Heck, you can even buy socks these days that only go up to your ankle. The world of sock garters is a mysterious, dark and confusing world.
Yes, we may have a problem of keeping our socks up, but why not buy longer trousers? I’ve never understood that. ‘Ah yes, your suit trousers are short when you sit down, but that’s the point. It’s an ancient tailor custom’. Erm, what? Oh, sod off. Make them long. You’ve created a problem that doesn’t need to be a problem that’s ultimately given us the rather pointless world of sock garters. Socks shouldn’t be important. They exist to keep your feet warm and for women to wear during sex because men find that attractive, for some reason.
They’re actually better known as sock suspenders, and believe me, men do not look good in suspenders. Me in suspenders is an alarming image, sock based or not, but you know, if that’s your ‘thing’, then, who am I to complain? I think they are over-solving a problem. Just buy better socks or longer trousers. Inventing sock garters, for me, is like trying to beat out a fire with a guitar.
I’ve never worn a pair and I never will. I don’t have anything against those who use them, that would be a pretty strange reason to hate someone, but, ultimately, they’re just not for me. I think sock garters and me will never agree.
Do you like sock garters, readers?
Photo: A man wearing sock garters [I must stress, this isn’t me – my underwear is nowhere near that tight for a start]
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