In 2010, 102 rollercoaster enthusiasts set the world record for the most amount of people riding a rollercoaster nude. It was in Adventure Island in Southend-on-Sea in Essex, England, and the ride was called Green Scream. Presumably, because people who saw that turned green and screamed. For any perverts reading, yes, there are hundreds of images online. And no, you really don’t want to see them. You see, this is my problem with humanity. Who looks at a rollercoaster and thinks, ‘I know a great way to raise money for charity! I’ll take my clothes off!’ What happened to the good old days of cake stalls and raffles? Do we really need to take our clothes off to get people’s attention? Would you really rather not prefer a nice sponge cake? We’re losing our inhibitions as a species, aren’t we? You give the world any piece of technological marvel and the first thing they do is apply nudity to it. The internet, camera phones, rollercoasters. 102 people! My God.
It’s just stupidity piled upon stupidity, when it comes to the rollercoaster. Richard Rodriguez holds the record for the longest time spent on one, 401 hours. That’s over two weeks. And what has he achieved? I tell you what, it speaks volumes about the generational divide. My granddad fought in The Great War. Oh, really, my granddad rode a rollercoaster for two weeks. He had to pee into a bag. At least the nudies did it for charity. But they are big business. Rollercoasters, that is. Well, nudity is too, I suppose. People travel from around the world to ride such ‘coasters as Leap-the-Dips, the world’s oldest and one of the last side friction rollercoasters. That means it doesn’t have any safety wheels underneath to stop it becoming airborne. But don’t worry, you have a one-and-a-half billion chance of being fatally injured. In fact, the injury rates from folding lawn chairs are higher. Mmm.
The tallest is 465 feet. The fastest travels at 149 miles-per-hour, because apparently, having your face nearly ripped off is a ‘thrill’. The longest is 8,133 feet. The steepest has a maximum angle of an incredible 121°. The most inversions are 14. It’s an insane world! Heck, a bloke called Julijonas Urbonas invented the Euthanasia ‘Coaster, designed to kill its passengers. Seriously. Google it if you don’t believe me. You have a steep angle lift to 1,670 feet, taking two minutes, then you’d have a 1,600 feet drop at 220 miles-per-hour, followed by seven clothoid inversions. These would deliver a lethal 10 g blow to the passengers. The ride would end with a sharp right turn to an area for unloading the corpses, also where new passengers could board. Presumably, quite a few would change their mind after seeing the mangled corpses scraped off the ride. It’s actually cerebral hypoxia that would kill you, insufficient blood supply to the brain. Surely a bullet would do a better job.
I don’t like all this. I’m not a thrill seeker, I’m a normal person. Why risk your life for the sake of adrenaline? Even for charity, it seems a bit pointless. Risk your life only for meaningful things that are worthwhile. I’ve never been on one, and I never will go on one. I don’t like speed, actual speed and the drug. I don’t like heights. I don’t like vomiting. And I don’t like it that humanity has gotten to the point whereby we are enjoying going on a ride that has seen several people across the globe decapitated. Almost all of them in England and America. Not to worry you, of course. It’s your life you’re wasting. And… head, you’re losing.
No, I’m afraid I don’t like rollercoasters. They suck.
What are your thoughts on rollercoasters, readers?
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