You know, I’ve never seen a James Bond movie. Or indeed any spy movie. Being a spy wasn’t something I aspired to when I was a child. I didn’t aspire to anything, and I still don’t. And that’s a great message to any kids reading. Never aspire to achieve anything. If I try and fail, I’m disappointed. Was there something I missed that pointed to that eventuality of failure? Always is. You can see all failure a mile away. I missed something. I’m not happy I tried and failed, I’m pissed off I failed, so if I don’t try at all, well, you get more done. Failure doesn’t occur to one. So when I was a child, I didn’t aspire to anything. And whilst I haven’t achieved much, at least I’m not disappointed at waves upon waves of failure. In the same way I’m not disappointed that I haven’t become a spy. I would certainly fail at that. I’m not cut out for the world of spyage. And it doesn’t interest me. Which is why I’ve never watched a James Bond movie. So what, shoot me. I haven’t seen The Lion King, either. But that’s because I’ve never been an eight-year-old girl.
Espionage. It comes from the French word espionnage, meaning, “spying”, which is probably why we just say ‘spying’. It’s when a government or an individual obtains information considered secret or confidential without the permission of the holder of said information. It’s illegal unless the government does it. You know, like waterboarding. Shooting innocent civilians on trains. Things like that. Being a spy is largely condemned and has no actual benefits whatsoever. So, spying is inherently evil. Being a spy would mean having to live with that. Being a spy doesn’t sound like a whole heap of fun, at all.
What are the benefits? Well, everything you need is paid for, so that’s a pretty sweet life. Imagine never having to pay for anything ever again. And on top of that, you get a bucket load of dosh, which is somewhat ironic considering you’ll never use it. But I’m sure your family will benefit from it greatly when you’re shot dead aged 30 snooping in a ladies underwear drawer. Trust me, that is where people hide things. Don’t ask me how I know that. You get to see the world. You get to travel. Although mainly to places such as Iran, which is a beautiful country, but a bit bomby.
It’s not like being a soldier. You get caught, you get dead. You can’t have a family. No friends. You’d have to lie to everyone and use multiple identities. Run the risk of getting caught and tortured. You’d have to kill a lot of people and many wouldn’t have done anything wrong, merely ‘collateral damage’. No one will have your back, if you are caught, the government will deny any involvement. You’re a patsy. And that will only serve to sully your image when you’re gone. And yes, I may travel the world, but I get airsick. I can’t stand planes. Or boats. Or trains. And I’m not too good with cars, either.
To be honest, I’m sounding like I’d be a pretty crap spy. So no, I don’t want that life. I don’t want to be a spy. I’m happy the way I am.
Would you be a spy, reader-pops?
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