Buttocks. According to thermography, the temperature of the bum decreases when we dance the flamenco. And I’ve subsequently discovered that is not a euphemism. Sexual excitement causes our genitals to heat up. Why they needed a study to show that, I don’t know. But the same study also showed that when we lie, our noses heat up. Somewhat proving the Pinocchio theory. Except that is the Disney angle. The original Pinocchio was much better. They should really make a movie of that and never show it to children because they would be horrified. The story was much changed from the original text. But now I shalt attempt to condense that tale into two easy to read paragraphs. Of course, if you haven’t read the original or if you want your innocent minds left in the innocent gaze of the God-awful washed down Disney version, skip on two paragraphs. Because, coming up, is what really happened in the original Pinocchio.
A carpenter finds a talking piece of wood and gives it to his poor neighbour, Geppetto, who turns it into a marionette puppet named Pinocchio. It runs away. Soon, a military policeman finds the runaway puppet, presumes it has been mistreated and imprisons Geppetto. Pinocchio goes home and finds a talking cricket, who warns him of the perils of hedonism and disobedience. Pinocchio is royally pissed off and kills the cricket. He falls asleep next to a fire, which burns his feet off. He gets a new pair when Geppetto is released from prison and soon starts school. Soon he meets a fox and a cat. But they lie to Pinocchio, a lie a white blackbird tells him of, before the blackbird is eaten by the cat. They lead him on a merry dance, take advantage of him and leave him behind. He continues on, alone, warned of future danger by the ghost of the cricket he killed. But he’s ambushed by the fox and the cat! He escapes by biting off the cat’s paw, and meets the ghost of a fairy, also a dead person Pinocchio is seeing (predating The Sixth Sense by about 115 years), who says she is waiting for a hearse. Unfortunately, the fox and the cat catch Pinocchio whilst he is chatting up the fairy, and hang him. Pinocchio doesn’t die straight away, a few hours of painful suffocating pass by, so the fox and the cat leave poor Pinocchio to hang, slowly suffocating for a few hours more, before he dies a horrific, graphic death.
It is worth pointing out that Pinocchio is less of an innocent little boy here. He’s also rescued, obviously, by a falcon and is picked up from his horrifying ordeal by, obviously, the fairies poodle servant. Three doctors are summoned to figure out if he’s alive. Two owls and a crow. He’s fine. The editor was horrified with the original ending, so he forced the author to tack on a happy ending. So follows a story of horrific murder, sacrifice, foolish repentance, a gorilla judge and Pinocchio’s imprisonment. He visits the fairy again and a large serpent is involved. Also not a euphemism. Then graves, chicken stealing, pigeons, boats, talking dogfish, ocean journeys, truancy, a ringmaster, donkey skin being eaten, snail cures and even a passionate kiss between the fairy and Pinocchio. And a happy ending all round. It’s like a bloody acid trip. It really should be a movie. Well worth a read.
So, what if I were Pinocchio? All of the above would’ve happened to me. No mention of lying but certainly deceit, pain and naughty misadventure. If I were Pinocchio, I’d be in hell. The only good part is that I got off with a fairy. So no, I don’t want to be Pinocchio.
I’M ALREADY A REAL BOY!
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