Have I made up this phrase? I can’t find any record of it. I know what I mean. I think the gist of it is fairly obvious, right? Things, little niggles, that grind on you every time you encounter them. I moan about various things all the time. Usually how much better things were in the olden days. But you know that old story. This is for the other things. Things others may deem ‘stupid’ or ‘weird’. But for us, is the most annoying thing imaginable. Things that make us look very strange to the outside world. So, what really fries my potatoes? That’s a stupid expression, isn’t it? Aren’t potatoes meant to be fried? Hmm…
There are too many things in this little blue world of ours to list, here. I’m a natural born complainer, so I’ll just pick a few things that come to mind. Mother speaking on my behalf, for example. ‘Oh, he’s like this – he never changes – you know, here’s a big secret of his…’. All mothers do it. Seriously. Imagine your darkest secret. I guarantee your mother told all her friends. ‘Oh, he wet himself the other day – I know he’s 15, but his girlfriend leaving him for another woman really dented his confidence.’ It’s like when women tell all their friends how large or disappointingly small their boyfriend’s doodle is. Which, fellas, all women do by the way. I also hate it when people don’t use their indicators on the road. Big hazard, that. I hate those computers one must write on to sign for a package. If you’re left-handed, it is impossible to write on them without rubbing out what you’ve wrote. They’re the modern day whiteboards, or the really modern day chalkboards. I hate it when people remind me of how shy I am. “Speak up!” Oh, so humiliating. Whistling, which I mentioned in Post 434. I also hate prank TV shows. I mean, what the hell? The poor unsuspecting public. It’s disgusting. It’s immensely cruel of the vicious TV bastards.
Oh, I haven’t finished. I hate people who walk passed traffic lights and push the button when they have no intention of crossing. Just for a lark. What is it with humanity and button pushing? You see a button, you just have to push it! Grown flipping men! Grow up! It’s not bloody funny! I also hate people who have their headphones out over the top of their jacket. When they walk, the headphones swing wildly about all over the place. If you walk by such an idiot, a swinging headphone will have your eye out.
And you know what really fries my potatoes? Parents who get their children to commandeer a table at McDonald’s. You’ve been standing in that bloody queue for bloody ages and some bloody woman with twenty bloody children shows up and tells them to take the only available table, whilst she waits in the queue! You’re THREE minutes away from getting your food, there’s ONE table available, and some person, usually a mum, uses her own children to commandeer THAT FRICKIN’ TABLE! YOU’VE JUMPED THE QUEUE! YOU’VE JUMPED THE BLOODY QUEUE! YOU MAD COW! I DON’T CARE IF YOU HAVE KIDS! NOBODY CARES! STOP USING IT AS A BLOODY EXCUSE TO GET THE BEST OF EVERYTHING IN LIFE! IF THERE’S NO SEATS, YOU TAKE YOUR FOOD TO GO AND YOU HAVE IT IN YOUR BLOODY FANCY MERCEDES, YOU PRICK! ARRRRRRGH!
Sorry, got bit carried away, there.
So there, readers, are a select few things that really fry my potatoes. There are many more, but I think I need a lie down…
What really fries your potatoes, readers?
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The Indelible Life of Me
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Hark Around the Words
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