As I hit the milestone of 450 posts, I like to think this question demonstrates this blog really hasn’t changed much. Post Seven posed the highly interesting question, ‘What Was the Name of Your First Pet?’ Aye, and now, 443 questions later, I’m onto crumpets. And not just ‘crumpets’, tasty crumpets. I like to think I’ve grown quite a lot in 450 posts. And then this question popped up and I realised I haven’t grown an inch. Indeed, if you’re not British or incredibly old, this question is blurry, at best. A crumpet is a desirable woman. It’s up there with other highbrow words such as strumpet, tart, sweetheart, broad, dame, bird, doll, etcetera. Trollop. It’s the type of word old aristocrat’s use, in their country mansions, sitting on their wingback leather chairs next to a roaring log fire, sipping a dandy glass of cherry. The type with really old-fashioned proper posh British accents. ‘Oh, she’s a tasty bit of crumpet.’ The word isn’t really used these days. Something to do with ‘feminism’. Gee, what’s happened to the world? Next, you’ll tell me we can’t give women a friendly pat on the bottom. Sorry? What’s that? Oh, God, really? He, he. Oh, I’m gonna have some fun with this…
Of course, I’m joking, women don’t like being patted on any area of their body, to be honest. Bottom is sexist. Head is patronising. Back, well, they’ll think you’re trying to undo their bra (this was a common craze in my secondary school). And boobs, well, that’s completely inappropriate. And fellas, women are fully aware that when you try to stick a sticker name badge on their chests that you are trying to ‘cop a feel’. In fact, readers, I’ve removed all reference to this word’s feminine angle and applied to word to myself. A non-woman. Ergo, ‘Are you, a man, a tasty crumpet’ refers solely to my desirability. You see, you see? I am down with the girls. Let’s remove the inherent sexism of this word, reclaim it for humankind and shout from our rooftops: “I AM A TASTY CRUMPET!” Take that, world!
The word is commonly believed to be Cockney rhyming slang for strumpet, a word meaning many things. Prostitute. Adulterer. Mistress. A whore. Crumpet doesn’t mean these things. Indeed, in 1960, Frank Muir, who is evidently a man, used the phrase ‘thinking man’s crumpet’ to describe Joan Bakewell on her highbrow appearances on television discussion shows. This is a good looking and intelligent woman. Some would argue this makes the word more sexist. Well, maybe. Joan certainly doesn’t ‘float my boat’, but you know, all about perspective.
The word these days isn’t used seriously, it’s more of a joke between you and you’re beau. Sort of an ‘in-joke’. “Do you like this dress?” “Ooh, you’re a lovely crumpet.” Why not, eh? It’s a funny word. Crumpet. Crumpet. Crumpet. I love the English language.
There’s no measure or scale of sexual desirability or attractiveness. We’re all different and act differently, often at the mercy of our subconscious. Although it varies from different cultures and societies, there are generally accepted criteria.
On average, women like a man taller than them. Who has a high degree of facial symmetry and whatever the heck masculine facial dimorphism is. They like broad shoulders, a narrow waist and a V-shaped torso. Men like a woman shorter than they are, who have a youthful appearance and features such as a symmetrical face, full breasts (obviously), full lips and whatever the heck low waist-hip-ratio is.
There are other factors, too. In men, odour and genetics. A V-shaped body appeals because it denotes strength and protection, which women value. Genitalia, despite what women say, has been scientifically proven, at least on a subconscious level, to be a big factor in attractiveness. Height appeals because it denotes wealth. Whilst ‘women love money’ might sound stereotypical, it’s more to do with liking the financial security. The appeal of hair differs from culture to culture. Some love it, some hate it. In women, it’s much more independent. What people like is different in every country, there are fewer ‘on averages’. For example, whilst in the west, a thin girl is often seen as ‘more attractive’, in many societies, a fuller figure is seen as much more attractive. But with things such as hair, on average, men like women with longer hair. Many associate hair loss with ‘bad health’, so more hair is ‘good health’, see? And then there are the oddities, such as eyes. Brown-eyed men, on average, have no preference for female eye colour. But blue-eyed men almost always find blue-eyed women most attractive of any other women of another eye colour.
All this tells us two things, readers. One, we’re all different, and two, scientists have far too much time on their hands. None of this makes it any easier to determine what makes a tasty crumpet. So what about some facts?
Men are more attracted to plumper women when we are hungry. And that’s a true fact. Humans are attracted to those who look similar to us. If you have a child after 30, your child will be attracted to older people, and vice versa. And what about knowledge? Students who rate their teacher’s performance base it more on how hot they are over how good a teacher they are. Children select playmates on how cute they are, as they associate that attractiveness with friendliness and intelligence. People with prominent limbal rings are more attractive to others. Americans spend more on beauty products each year than on education. And women, on average, find beards irresistible. And science backs that up. Scientists now believe that’s why men have beards. Oh yes, the beardier the better.
Most of this is subconscious. We don’t believe it, but it occurs and we can’t control it. We have preconceptions that we can never change. We all have a preference. And although we all say ‘all are beautiful’, it isn’t necessarily what we actually subconsciously believe.
Am I a tasty crumpet? I don’t think one could answer that question. I don’t know, just like every other human being, what I’m subconsciously attracted to, or if how I look, meets that criteria. We can’t know, and more importantly, we can’t know if we meet the criteria of others. All I can do is be myself. So there’s your answer, readers.
Am I a tasty crumpet? Well, who’s to know?
And that’s that, readers. The end of the 450th post. I’m genuinely staggered I’ve made it this far, and who’s to know, might make it through another 450. We’ll see. But thank you, as always, for sticking round and supporting this little blog. No matter how long your stay here is, it is very much appreciated.
So go on, readers. Ask yourself this. Do you think you’re a tasty crumpet?
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this post. You can leave a comment and/or like this post below, or by clicking the title on the top of this post if you are on the archives page. Likes and follows greatly appreciated. Thanks.
Please feel free check out the latest posts from my other two blogs:
The Indelible Life of Me
New Post Every Sunday
Click Here to Read the Latest Post
Hark Around the Words
New Posts Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday
Click Here to Read the Latest Post