Horses are scumbags. The horse is an odd-toed ungulate mammal. A seething bag of scum. Humankind uses horses for recreational purposes, in sport and non-competitive pursuits. They’re also used for work-based activities, agriculture, entertainment, therapy, and for pissing me off. They’re also useful for meat, usually without our knowledge, although I don’t care. A horse in my stomach is more delicious than a horse in a field, to be honest. For milk, which is a somewhat sickening thought. Hair, which is fair enough. And many pharmaceutical products use urine from pregnant mares (female horses). Mmm… Bet you didn’t know that, did you? Now how do you like horses, eh? Have you taken a pill today? Ha, ha, ha. I hope you enjoyed your ‘equine delight’. What was the pill for, by the way? Feeling a bit horse? Ahem…
Horses absolutely stink. Every single one of them smells like the diaper of a newborn human baby. I have changed babies, and I have smelt a horse, and believe me, the baby smelt better. Why was I smelling horses? It’s not important. They poop like there’s no tomorrow. Everywhere! Nowhere is sacred. Trust me, your girlfriend will not appreciate a horse-drawn carriage ride through the park because she will get, along with you, a face full of leavings. The only way I could possibly envision that would be a good thing, is if she doesn’t leave you. Because if that doesn’t make her leave you, she’ll never leave you for anything! That’s one understanding girl…
Heck, even the smell would make her eyes water. They’re covered in flies, too. Horses, not women. Horses are incredibly ugly. They have huge yellow teeth that will crush your bones if you go anywhere near them. They are wild creatures, not domesticated, so when they see you, they want to kill you. They’re large and dangerous, they cannot be tamed. Riding one hurts your testicles. And their colossal super-wangs leave you envious, at best.
And they put their reproductive organs to good use. They will mount anything. You ask anybody that rides a horse regularly, they will, at some point, have been the victim of an attempted humping. And they eat more than elephants. Women and some men have this fascination with horses, equating them to magical creatures like unicorns. But it’s all nonsense. They’re complete opposites. As I’ve demonstrated already, they’re horrible, unloving, stinking, deliciously tasty, dangerous, horny, useless sacks of crap. And that’s before I’ve mentioned that unicorns aren’t even real! I haven’t even gotten on to the four horses of the apocalypse, yet…
But this question isn’t about if I like horses, which I evidently don’t. Hence why I’ve never ridden one and never will. What is the point of horses if they are clearly disgusting?
Therapy. Although there is no scientific evidence to suggest that a horse aids therapy, doctors do agree they have an effect on humans. Horses change human brainwave patterns, we become calmer and more focused. Horses are empathetic, too. Equine therapy is used regularly for all kinds of people with all kinds of diseases and ailments, and it does have a positive effect. So horses do have their place. To help those in need.
But for the rest of us, horses are complete and utter little shits.
At least supermarkets are doing their bit by grounding them up into lasagne…
Do you like horses, readers?
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