Ha, what? They certainly don’t look like fruit, do they? I don’t think of fruit as slimy and wet. Although it is worth pointing out that they are considered a vegetable crop. The most common version of the children’s rhyme goes: ‘Beans, beans, the magical fruit, the more you eat, the more you toot. The more you toot, the better you feel, so why not have beans for every meal?’ It’s a very bad message to give children. It’s basically encouraging flatulence and promoting a feel good factor to doing it. It certainly wouldn’t make those you eat with feel good, and eventually, you’d end up eating alone. And saying farting makes you feel better is exactly the same as saying you feel better after a car crash. It’s ludicrous…
Despite the name, most beans are stewed, not baked. Most baked beans are haricot beans. Being from the UK, the only beans I’m familiar with are the tomato full English variety. I haven’t tried any American types, but I have tried American Weetabix and that was disgusting, so I imagine their beans will be too. They even took the ‘A’ out. Just ‘Weetbix’. That doesn’t even make sense. Mind you, ‘Weetabix’ doesn’t either. That’s not even how you spell ‘wheat’. The Australian ‘Weetbix’ is awful, too. It’s rock hard. It’s like a dry biscuit. Sorry, what were we talking about?
In Ireland and the UK, beans in tomato and sugar sauce are the most commonly eaten, often on toast, whereas there is much more sauce variety in America. In Canada, the most eaten is beans in maple syrup ‘sauce’. That’s hardly a surprise, is it? I hear maple syrup is their best selling shampoo…
In 2002, the British Dietetic Association argued that beans should be considered one of your ‘five-a-day’. Thousands of heart specialists begged to differ, and ordered an independent review. Turns out, baked beans lower cholesterol levels and contain antioxidants, which protect cells in the body and prevent cancer and heart disease. We love a good baked bean here in the UK. Every hour, we eat nearly 40 imperial tons of the stuff, nearly four times as much as America. The average Brit eats more than 15 pounds of baked beans each year. But we’re not the only bean lovers in the world. In America, January 6 is National Bean Day. Gotta love America’s priorities, haven’t you?
Not everyone likes beans. Pythagoras hated them. According to legend, enemies of his set fire to his home, sending him fleeing toward a bean field. So disgusted with beans, he refused to enter the field and was caught by his enemies, whereupon they slit his throat. He believed that souls of the dead travelled up the hollow stems from the ground, where they would reside in the beans. Pythagoreans prohibit the consumption or touching of beans because they ‘show the potential for life’. Some even said that flatulence caused by beans was an emergency response system from them. Yes. Seriously. Beans.
I’m less philosophical. I hate baked beans. They are disgusting. Any food with weird goop juice is disgusting. Would you eat an apple if it were covered in slime? I wouldn’t. And they look disgusting, too. And feel disgusting. And smell like sweaty feet.
Are beans the magical fruit? Well, they certainly don’t make me toot. But scientifically speaking, yes, beans are a magical fruit. They have untold benefits to our health. But for me, personally? God no. I absolutely hate them. They are a tooting nuisance.
But what do you think, readers? Are beans really a magical fruit?
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