Doors aren’t anywhere nearly appreciated enough. What? 484 posts! What do you bloody expect? Jeez, come post 968 I’ll be down to door hinges. Let’s get on with it. After all, doors are far more interesting than we give them credit for. Have you ever watched Star Trek? All the doors on all the ships open sideways – we don’t even notice it. Well, it’s the future, it makes sense. Doors that open at the push of a button! But all the doors at Starfleet headquarters on Earth are the traditional type that opens inwards, with the old-fashioned knobs. IT MAKES NO SENSE! More to the point, there are a large array of ships decommissioned each year – think of all those sliding doors that could be repurposed! But oh, no! Let’s just keep chopping down trees for the bloody Earth doors! Is the message not to recycle? Did they learn nothing from the Third World War? They wrecked the planet with bombs and now they’re wrecking it with tree chopping! They expect us to buy all of this? It’s bloody ludicrous! And believe me, readers, this is only the tip of the metaphorical iceberg that is the exciting world of doors…
Those Star Trek sliding doors are actually quite interesting in their own right. The noise of them opening is a mix of a shoe sliding on a floor and a piece of paper being taken out of an envelope. Of course, when the show was rebooted in 2009 they decided to use something a bit more dignified. The sound of a vacuum flush toilet. I don’t think Janus would be happy. He’s the God of doors. Seriously. There is a God of doors. And he’s also probably God of some other stuff too.
If you’ve ever been to Dublin, you’ll notice their doors are interesting, painted a wide variety of very colourful colours. When Queen Victoria died, the Irish were ordered to paint their doors black as a sign of mourning. In an act of rebellion, they instead painted their doors with bright colours. The legend has it that they were all the same colour but were then changed so that all the colours were different, because drunken Irishmen kept going into the wrong house and ended up making love to the wrong woman.
Hero of Alexandria created the first automatic door in the first century. It used a system of counterbalanced, steam-powered weights that opened the temple doors when priests made burnt offerings at the altar. But not all doors can be opened. The English monarch is not allowed into the House of Commons, and indeed, no monarch has been inside since King Charles I tried to arrest a bunch of people inside. Some doors can’t even be described as conventional doors, and revolve instead. In New York City, the Buildings Department states that a revolving door should not, by law, exceed a speed of 15 rotations per minute. I have absolutely no idea how they could possibly police that…
And doors break records. NASA’s Vehicle Assembly Building has the tallest doors on Earth, a massive 152 yards high. And Kevin Taylor smashed 20 car door windows in a minute, using his bare fists, a new world record. And doors can even break you if you try to shoulder barge one down like they do on TV. Which really hurts, by the way.
Where would be with without doors? Highly embarrassed and with a lot less stuff. They play such a huge role in our lives and we simply do not appreciate them enough. Maybe it’s time all that changed. I’ll certainly never look at doors the same way again.
Do I like doors? Sure, why not? Now let’s move on. Quickly…
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