Why not, eh? What have they ever done for us? No good cotton-picking sack of crap. Have you seen a zucchini? That’s not normal! What the hell! We can make square watermelons, how about a less phallic zucchini? What about donut shaped, huh? I’d rather like a donut shaped zucchini. And it doesn’t taste right. I mean, I haven’t actually tasted one, but if it tastes how it looks – I’ll leave that there. And don’t tell me it’s a frickin’ vegetable! In botany, it’s recognised as a frickin’ fruit! And believe me, this is only the tip of the nightmaric fruit covered iceberg. Of DOOM!
There are those among you who love fruit so much that fruit is all you need. But there are strong links between an all-fruit diet and pancreatic cancer. Indeed, Steve Jobs had an all-fruit diet and died of pancreatic cancer. It was one of the biggest factors in his death. Ashton Kutcher has an all-fruit diet too, and he too has been hospitalised with organ trouble caused by that diet. Fruit and nothing but fruit is highly deadly. Always eat in moderation. But even doing that comes with risks…
Apples. They are acidic and can cause damage to tooth enamel. 98% of all apples on Earth are saturated in pesticides, unless labelled organic. Heck, apple seeds contain cyanide! Enough to kill you dead. Which is why you’re not supposed to eat them. Bananas have been known to trigger headaches and sleepiness. They also contain magnesium, which can relax your muscles. Not good if you’re driving, is it? And if you eat 43 or more in a short space of time, muscle weakness, temporary paralysis and an irregular heartbeat will occur. Although I will concede the peels are edible. What? 43 isn’t a lot, really.
What about oranges? They contain Vitamin C. Any excess of that will cause diarrhoea, nausea, vomiting, heartburn, bloating or cramps, headaches, insomnia and kidney stones. And they too contain large amounts of acid, which can contribute to heartburn. Their peels are edible, too. And as for pineapples? Eating too much can cause mouth tenderness. Even a rash, hives or breathing difficulties. They also contain more Vitamin C than any other fruit. And also contain extremely high levels of bromelain, which can cause skin rashes, vomiting, diarrhoea and excessive menstrual bleeding. And eating unripe pineapple or drinking unripe pineapple juice is dangerous. In that state, it is highly toxic to humans. And as for pineapple cores? Eat one of those and it will cause dangerous fibre balls to form in the digestive tract.
Many of these things and most fruit have dangers caused by ‘excessive consumption’ in common. But what is ‘excessive consumption’? We don’t know. It’s different for every human being. Your friend may be able to eat fifty pineapples in a row without harm, but you could eat a quarter of one and you’ll be ill in no time. ‘In moderation’ is different for everyone. Fruit consumption is a process of trial and error.
There’s no denying we all need fruit, in moderation and heavily regulated. But I, for one, absolutely hate it. Almost all of it tastes utterly disgusting and I’ve never found a way to get beyond that. Plus, they do come with dangers and that element of ‘trial and error’. And I don’t take risks. I do not eat anything healthy and I’m still standing with no health problems whatsoever, apart from self-induced (usually fire related). The only fruit I can tolerate is red apples. And even then, it’s a struggle. Why do I hate fruit?
Because it deserves it…
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