Hey! Who are calling ugly, Mr. Question Man? He’s the man who provides my questions. Mr. Question Man is a real person. What? Hey, plenty of people believe in Mr. Tambourine Man. Anyway, this whole question is about Helen of Troy. She was married to Menelaus. So beautiful was she that one man, Prince Paris, abducted her. It wasn’t the first time, and her husband knew that. Before the marriage, Menelaus asked all of Helen’s Greek suitors to swear to help him to find Helen if she were abducted again. And when Paris abducted her, again, all those Greek suitors launched one thousand ships to Troy to retrieve Helen. Thus launching the Trojan War. It raged for 10 years and ended with the infamous Trojan Horse. After this, Helen was reunited with her husband, Menelaus. Helen was a woman so beautiful her beauty launched one thousand ships. So imagine being so ugly you sunk one thousand ships. It actually gets worse to more you think about it…
Here we have Helen. She was so beautiful one thousand ships were launched to rescue her. Her beauty was that magnetic. Now imagine if she were incredibly ugly. So ugly she sunk one thousand ships. That means that an army of Greek men were so repulsed by her that they deliberately sunk their own ships so they’d have an excuse not to rescue her.
I’ve yet to see a painting of Helen that backs up any of this. I mean, she’s not exactly a looker. I mean, I’m sure she was a very interesting person – perhaps she was good at Scrabble, I don’t know. But to call a woman who looks like she put her makeup on in the dark a ‘very attractive’ person is somewhat humorous. Perhaps that’s harsh. It’s more like she threw the makeup at her face and was happy with what stuck. All I’m saying is that maybe the one thousand ships were actually launched because she was a really nice girl. Surely that personality is more important than her face in any case.
Helen was certainly more capable of launching all those ships than I. At least she had somebody in her life who loved her so much he commanded an army to rescue her. Maybe he was just really persuasive. I’m sure many women would like a man like that. But obviously, being a woman, she’d still expect a Christmas present. Nobody would launch anything in my name. Maybe an arrow. At me. A flaming arrow. Covered in glue. So I could never get it out. I genuinely cannot fathom any rhyme or reason as to why somebody would launch a thousand ships in my name. But sink? Well, it’s all about perception…
Realistically, if an army of Greeks were to sink a thousand ships in your name, it is probably gonna be because of some reason other than how ugly you are. This question is about self-image. It’s metaphorical. Do I consider myself so ugly that, in a hypothetical scenario, an army would sink all their ships so they did not have to come and rescue me? Yeah. Pretty much. I don’t think anyone would come to rescue me if I were in danger, regardless of looks. Nobody has so far. I don’t know if anyone would go so far as to sink one thousand ships, but it certainly wouldn’t surprise me…
But do you have a face that could sink one thousand ships, readers?
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