Well, I sure wouldn’t look good in tight Lycra. That’s always baffled me. You’d need comfortable clothes if you were gonna be running around all night. Just imagine the chaffing you’ll get from tights. Even the newer superhero costumes are stupid. Oh sure, S&M gear looks rather darling when you’re firing arrows in the dark shadows of an evil city. Imagine wearing that in England. You’d be arrested. You could say the same for Lycra, but there was a penchant for that here in the ‘90s. Mind you, we don’t really ‘do’ superheroes. Our most famous superhero is Bananaman. Who is getting his own movie in 2016. Rumour has it that it’s gonna be called Man of Peel. It was about a little kid called Eric Wimp who turns into a superhero every time he eats a banana. He came from the Moon. His kryptonite was mouldy bananas. And over the years he fought General Blight, Doctor Gloom, Bubblegum Bert and Kiwi Fruit Girl. Because Eric didn’t like kiwi. He also fought the tragically named Captain Cream. Honestly, the whole thing was like what I imagine being in the ‘60s was like…
But I’m an ordinary human. Not a Moon baby banana lover. I’d need training. Martial arts and parkour would be handy. A costume. Anything will do. Have to have a look in Matalan. Something that covers the face. I could easily get advanced equipment from the internet. Ex FBI surveillance equipment, police scanners, military equipment – it’s all quite easy to buy. And I’d need body armour and weapons. Bullet and stab resistant materials are rather easy to come across. Hmm, actually you’d be able to get most of this stuff from B&Q. Soup-up a lawnmower. The criminals will be so baffled as to why you brought a lawnmower to a gunfight that that’s when you attack – with… a – shovel! YES! That could be my ‘thing’. Throwing shovels. SHOVEL MAN! Hey, if we have Bananaman…
The UK police strongly advise against vigilantism. Whilst doing it isn’t illegal, it can lead to illegal actions. It’s also dangerous, plus, I have a dicky knee – there’s no way I’d ever be fit enough. And I can’t swim. Criminals will soon figure that out! “Oh no, Shovel Man is chasing us! Quick! Find a large body of water!”
You’d have to overcome the fear, wouldn’t you? What about injury or even death? How would your loved ones feel knowing you died in tight Lycra? You aren’t paid. There’s no compensation or insurance. You would be undervalued and hunted by the police.
There are heroes in our world. Cops, fire fighters, ambulance workers, who are regularly attacked in the UK. But they must follow law and procedure. The superheroes are outside of that, and they do exist. There are many real life superheroes out there trying to make a difference. I couldn’t do what they do, but man, they have colossal cajones.
Who’s to say what these ‘superheroes’ do is wrong? It’s their choice, their life, let them live it. I have respect for them, for doing something so brave and stupid all at the same time. But could I be among their elite? Sadly, I think not. I’d be a terrible superhero.
WordPress probably have something in their small print where I must not promote vigilantism. So I will end this post by saying that if you are in trouble, call the police.
Unless you happen to have a lawnmower and a shovel…
Would you make a good superhero, readers?
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