Coffee is not British. The only Brits who are in love with it are southerners, and as we all know, southerners are far from a true representation of Britain. To be truly British, tea must remain at the centre of your universe, and even if you don’t like it, you simply cannot delve into the world of coffee. To be British and say you like coffee is exactly the same as saying you prefer white phone boxes to red ones. Fair enough, you’re entitled to your opinion. But liking coffee makes you continental, and if there’s one thing we really don’t like, it’s the continent. We are not European in the slightest. They can keep their latte drinking, bong smoking, croissant licking culture to themselves. Our culture is a cuppa tea in the morning with a hearty full English breakfast. That will never change and it should never change. To put it in plain English: DOWN WITH COFFEE!
I’m obviously not alone. Who among you likes seeing fifty Starbucks on every bloody high street? Replace them with Greggs, I say. What the heck happened to teahouses? And making coffee isn’t pleasurable, either. It’s overly complicated. Impossible to make correctly and full of ridiculous etiquette. And, as we all know, coffee is a deadly and highly potent drug…
Catecholamines, your ‘stress hormones’, are increased even with one cup of coffee – the more you drink, the more those hormones are increased. Coffee also increases your insulin sensitivity and your homocysteine levels, increasing your risk of cardiovascular disease. It also lowers your levels of serotonin synthesis in the brain – serotonin is vital for normal sleep, bowel function and energy levels.
Frequent coffee drinkers can expect to experience digestive discomfort, indigestion, heartburn, among other problems, regularly. It is highly addictive. These drinkers also excrete more important minerals, calcium, magnesium and potassium, through urination than normal people. Coffee also interferes with normal drug metabolism and liver detoxification.
And all these things, readers, are just what science has proven. There are countless other recent studies that could suggest even worse effects. Some studies suggest coffee can raise blood pressure. Others, that it’s linked with gout. One study found that frequent female coffee drinkers are 70% more likely to develop incontinence. Yet another found that it could cause headaches and migraines. And another found it could reduce the chance of becoming pregnant by 27%.
Why would you drink coffee! You may as well consume a bucket of plutonium! They’re just as deadly as each other! Being British, I was brought up on tea. Most of us are. And that’s a good thing. It’s a big part of our culture, and always will be. Coffee will never surpass it, here. And when you look at all the negative things it does to us, that is surely a good thing, right? I just cannot understand why anyone would drink such vile hell. Coffee is simply pure evil.
Oh, and I haven’t even mentioned the awful, awful taste. That’s more than enough reason for me not to drink it. Never mind everything else. To borrow a phrase from my father, it really does taste, pardon my French, like a rat that’s crawled up your arse and died.
Coffee is dead to me.
There is no point in it whatsoever…
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