Nipples! Two of each we’re born with, usually, but now and again, a rare beast unveils its mysterious head. The supernumerary nipple, to give it its official name. This occurs in one in every 18 men and one in every 50 women. Actor Mark Wahlberg famously has a third nipple, as does singer Lily Allen – who got it out on television. Heck, singer-songwriter Harry Styles has four nipples. Some people even have as many as seven. And if that’s not weird enough, some even have an extra one on the foot. And I haven’t even mentioned James Bond villain Francisco Scaramanga, who also had a nipple supernumerary. Although it looked inaccurate to me. I mean, surely, nobody has a ‘complete’ third nipple, right? Ah, how naïve of me. I hadn’t yet discovered the nipple scale…
Type 1 of this genuinely real scale is a full, identical, real copy of an average nipple. Very rare. Type 2 is the most common, like a small nipple without an areola. Types 3 and 4 look like a mole near the two regular nipples, and indeed, most people with this will never know it’s a third nipple. And then there are some more types down to Type 8. I think the foot one is Type 5. So if you’re at Type 8, you’re really unlucky. But not unfortunate.
Some deride those with an extra nipple as ‘inbred freaks’. But actually, an extra nipple is believed to have no connection to inbreeding whatsoever. And as for other extra body parts, although inbreeding can be a cause, it’s one of only a million things that can cause these ‘abnormalities’.
Still, regardless of cause, most people with an extra nipple are incredibly proud of it. The Triple Nipple Club has many members who jeer at those who get their extra features cut off (I’m looking at you, British DJ Jo Whiley, who got her third nipple removed, the monster). And the Romans had something to say on this matter, too. They believed an extra nipple was a sign of ‘reinforced femininity’. Heck, many these days see it as a sign of fertility.
But not everyone loves the third nipple. In Salem, it was seen as proof that that person was a witch, the extra nipple believed to be used to suckle the devil. It’s almost as if the people of Salem had a problem with witches. Can’t be true, surely…
But what of I? What if I suddenly woke up one morning with an extra nipple? Be it Type 1, Type 8 or the foot one. Gee, what a thought. Well, it would be good if you were a woman. You wouldn’t need to wear heels anymore. I think I’d be proud of my extra nipple. We should all be proud of our bodies, really. From extra toes to extra nipples, from no belly button to a vestigial tail, from fat to thin, from bony to wrinkly – we are all inherently unique and should embrace every single square inch of our unusual forms. We should love our bodies. And be proud of our extra nipples, for they are not a hindrance.
Yes, nothing should stop you from loving yourself.
But what about you, readers? What would you do if you suddenly developed a third nipple?
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