I always wondered what would happen after I ran out of good questions. And I must say, I’m quite enjoying the insanity of that post-apocalyptic hellscape. So, how should one approach this question? Maybe there’s something about washing machines that is appealing to certain people, like used underwear fetishists. I’ve heard the used underwear market is surprisingly large. Until about 15 years ago, you could buy them in Japanese vending machines. Not anymore. They claimed the underwear was ‘used’, but actually, it was made to appear used. Like jeans with holes in them. Which I don’t like. I don’t want to see somebody’s knees whilst I’m on a bus. Probably why I’ll never live in California. They all wear shorts over there…
So it’s fairly obvious then, as disgusting as it sounds, that underwear fetishists would quite like being a washing machine. But what if you’re normal? There is an argument for wanting to be reincarnated as something, isn’t there? You might like cats. Or the television. Or the guitar. You may see something in their history, in what they do, what they are like and how they go about things as something you would like to be a part of. To be a proud member of the family. Things like guitars may be common reincarnation fodder – you want to be one because you want to give the world beautiful music. But not many people want to come back as a washing machine. I’ve certainly never thought about it. But I guess I’m now gonna have to, aren’t I?
Washing machines have a long and illustrious history. The first one was made of wood. Yes. Can you guess what the problem with that was? This was, incredibly, around the year of 1760. In America, 90% of laundry is done by women. I don’t know why. I don’t mind doing it. Ladies. Almost a quarter of America’s water is used by washing machines. And around 93% of all lost socks in America are lost in the washing machine. You see? Washing machines are drenched in highly interesting facts. All four of them in this paragraph…
1760 was a long time ago. America hadn’t even been founded yet. It was minus sixteen years old. So to be a part of that long history would be something to be proud of. And it’s not like they don’t live a long life. Some companies predict their washing machines will last up to 20 years. Even a normal one can last from five to 10 years. Although I do know people reading will be wondering why I’m talking balls because, as we all know, washing machines tend to break in the middle of summer when all your clothes are sweat-soaked. And during that life, yes, it’s not the nicest job, but it’s a good one. You make things clean and shiny. You make them smell nice. You put a smile on people’s faces. Yes, I’ve never asked myself this question before, and I don’t think many if at all any person has, but I can’t see why not. Who wouldn’t want to be a washing machine?
So go ahead, pray for reincarnation as your favourite instrument. Your pet tortoise. Your, oh, I don’t know, your, your – favourite… sock. But not me. I would quite like to be a washing machine.
Ah, that question wasn’t so bad after all, was it, readers? Yes? I’m glad you agree.
Because that means I’m getting really good at lying…
Would you be a washing machine, readers?
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