Oh, cricket. The scourge of the Earth. The worst sport imaginable. Worse than awful golf, tennis and rugby combined. The most boring and unbelievably confusing anything anywhere at all. Ever. Like, totally. It makes no sense! There is literally nothing good to be said about it. Heck, watching me paint a wall is more exhilarating…
It’s a world of overs, balls, shots, batting, fielding restrictions, power plays, run-outs, leg-befores, D/L methods, runs, fielding, stumps, innings, free-hits, tests, gullies, calling wide and whatever the hell ‘wandering the crease’ is. There are 47 positions! One game goes on for five days! And there’s some dude frantically waving a tea towel around plus a crowd getting over excited about catching a ball. Oh, well done. That’s really hard. You know, I played cricket in school. I had absolutely no choice. The only thing that ever happened that was worthy of a cheer was when a ball was once hit and flew right into the testicles of the man standing next to me. It was hilarious. But not for him.
This is how dreadful cricket is: even the fans admit it can be incredibly boring. I can’t think of any other sport on the planet where the fans admit it’s not good all the time. Take snooker. I love snooker. You have the exhilarating safety play, the mastery of the long pots, the wonderful tactical play, the raw fighting between players, the jokes and the laughter, plus a crowd so excited. There isn’t an element of it that a fan would say is dull. But not with cricket. And that’s never a good sign…
And it gets worse. Look at the kits they have to wear! They look like tea boys from the 18th century. The sport is ridiculously expensive too. It’s overly complex. I cannot even put into words how to play the game. I just cannot understand it. I can’t even begin to understand it. I cannot tell you the aim of the game because I have no clue. It’s as confusing as tennis. And the sport isn’t all clean and shiny. It’s by far one of the most controversial and scandal ridden sports there is.
And what do you get if you win the most prestigious tournament of the game? Do you get a big fancy trophy like you do in every other sport on the planet? You know the kind. Took one person weeks and weeks of effort to craft and mould into a thing of the utmost beauty. Many decades old. No, you don’t. You win a three inch tall piece of wood. WHO WANTS A THREE INCH WOODEN TATTY TROPHY FOR FIVE DAYS WORK! FORTY HOURS! FOR GOD’S SAKE CRICKETERS, DO SOMETHING WORTHWHILE WITH YOUR LIFE INSTEAD!
The only thing about this ‘sport’ that anyone could say was good is afternoon tea and sandwiches. But that’s not a good thing. Because I can have afternoon tea and sandwiches ANY BLOODY DAY OF THE WEEK! ALL WITHOUT PLAYING BLOODY CRICKET!
It’s a common misconception that everybody in the UK loves cricket and it’s all we play. I can assure you, the number of people here who like it is probably around 27. You could live a long life here and you’ll never meet somebody who likes cricket. I never have. It’s something for remote conservative villages in the country and grandparents who miss the old days. There is, quite literally, nothing good to be said about it.
What are my thoughts on cricket?
It is an utterly pointless endless grind of nothingness.
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