Gee, of course not. I mean, who the heck is using tape these days? This question is very difficult for me. I haven’t done sex yet. Then again, I write 16 posts ahead of time, so by the time this is published, I would’ve written it a couple weeks ago. So there is a possibility that, in those few weeks, I could have been subjected to some intercourse. Hmm, fingers crossed…
I can’t imagine a woman would ever decide to make a sex tape. Women know it’ll find its way onto the internet, making the chance of those you love seeing it particularly high and embarrassing. There’s also a good chance a vindictive ex would leak it to humiliate you. Making one involves a high degree of trust, and I don’t trust anyone. Even myself. I know how long it’ll take my toaster to toast a piece of bread. But I still take it out to inspect it every 10 seconds.
And far too many people forget they’re not pornographic entertainers. The average amateur sex tape will contain awkward angles, horrific lighting and unpalatable truths about your private affairs. And you must perform on camera. And if you think you can, you were probably the first person to raise your hand to be Mary or Joseph in the school play. And trust me, every Mary and Joseph in every school play, sucks. Take that from me, the man who played tree number seven in my school nativity play…
And honestly, who’s gonna watch it? The sex tape, not the bored parents watching the play. Who wants to watch their hairy buttocks on a 50 inch plasma television for all of two minutes? If you’re lucky. Who’d want to watch the candle inevitably fall over? Or the cat stroll past? Or listen to the sound of the mail coming through the letterbox in the background at the ‘point of no return’? Or your partner sighing?
The reality is, sex tapes are not sexy. It’s dangerous to make one. It’s a stupid and pointless endeavour. A horrifying thought indeed. In fact, I bet the only reason most women agree to do it is because they want to make their partner happy. But the amount of things women do to make men happy is ridiculous, unbelievable and underappreciated. And that’s wrong. Tell him to get stuffed if he asks you to make a sex tape. I would never ask a girl to do that, or agree to make one with her. If she kicks up a fuss because I won’t do it, I’d seriously consider breaking it off with her. You shouldn’t be with someone who pressures you into doing things you don’t want to do, or judges you for not doing those things.
There’s a fine line between trying new things and sticking to what you know. Making a sex tape isn’t like going to a different restaurant than the one you and your partner normally go to, it’s going bungee jumping instead of going to the restaurant in the first place, only the bungee cord is made of hemp. I’m fairly sure you’re gonna die a horrible, horrible death…
I can’t speak from experience. I know I’ll never have sex and if you could see me and meet me, you’d agree with me on that. But I imagine sex to be something special. Private. Intimate. An expression of love. If sex isn’t those things, then what is the point in doing it? I think it’s something that two people share with each other, or a group of people if you’re a Mormon, a moment that shouldn’t be shared with anyone else.
So no, I would not make a sex tape.
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