Nuts. If you do this, you are nuts. More nuts than a scurry of squirrels full of nuts. I was hoping to find lots and lots of scientific studies proving my point, but I couldn’t. They all think it’s a great idea. So I’m going to spend this entire post trying to disprove scientists. I must say, I’m not looking forward to the challenge…
This is not natural. It is far from normal. It is weird. What if somebody breaks into your house? Admittedly, I think one would be more concerned with the two men trying to steal your television rather than them seeing your wang, but come on. Okay, what about this. What if you have a dog? They do like sausages, you know.
What if you have kids? What if you sleep walk? What about the cold? And what about all the creepy-crawlies? Our beds are full of bed bugs and spiders. Do you want them crawling all over your naked flesh? If you do, please go and see a psychiatrist. And what if there’s a fire? You’ll never be able to look your neighbours in the eyes ever again.
The Daily Mail, that bastion of bullshit, claim sleeping naked cuts your risk of diabetes, infections and will decrease your waistline. Oh, shut up. Of course it won’t. It’s all to do with heat, they say. Well, if you’re hot, put the bloody fan on, open a bloody window and take your bloody duvet off. Nobody needs to be exposing themselves now, do they?
“Oh,” some say. “But if you don’t wear pyjamas, think of all the savings you’ll make on your water from less washing.” You only need to wash them a couple times a year! Oh congratulations, you’ve saved tuppence…
One ‘scientist’ even claimed that sleeping naked is good for a woman’s lady bits because it’s a ‘breeding ground for bacteria and yeast’, so sleeping naked ‘airs the area out a bit’. Oh, for God’s sake. I bet he’s divorced, now. And yet another ‘scientist’ said that it’s good for men as it ensures the ‘optimal temperature for sperm’. They should already be at the optimal temperature! It’s a bloody big design flaw if they aren’t!
And that’s a bit stupid, isn’t it? If a man is engaging in procreation, I’m fairly sure he won’t have any clothes on anyway. So the ‘optimal temperature’ is really only to keep the little guys happy, and who cares what they think? They’re not sentient! And hey, not everybody even procreates in bed, do they? Why are scientists presuming that’s the case? I bet they are at least 1,000 people alive today conceived on a golf course…
And some even claim it decreases stress. I’M BRITISH! We don’t like being naked. It stresses us out more! I would rather someone constantly beat me over the head, for the rest of my life, with a haddock, than let someone see me naked. Even I don’t like that image. It’s not a pleasant sight! If I slept naked, I wouldn’t get any sleep because I’d be terrified that a fire would mean that I’d end up trapped, having to be rescued by a fireman carrying me out of the bedroom window, exposing to the entire neighbourhood my wedding vegetables.
All the ‘experts’, ‘scientists’, ‘newspapers’ and shoddy Daily Mail ‘journalism’, claim that sleeping naked is good for you. That there is no better way to sleep. Well, they are completely and utterly wrong.
Yes, I think I’ve proven today that they have absolutely no idea what they’re talking about…
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