Coffee. The bane of my life. I presume. What is a ‘bane’? Ah, ‘that which causes hell’, apparently. Well, I guess that makes my statement accurate, then. I mean, it’s a scientific fact that 70 cups of coffee can kill you and yes, I know what you’re thinking. What kind of lunatic would drink 70 cups of coffee in a day? Well, I’ve been to New York, so trust me, 70 really isn’t that far-fetched. I don’t know much about coffee. Something to do with beans. I’m not a fan of coffee. You see, I live in Yorkshire. Tea is our bread and butter. A beacon of shining light at the end of a hard day. That thing that makes everything okay again. It is our heart and soul. The very foundation upon which every proud Yorkie is built. And then came coffee. Like some evil foreign invader, destined to wreak havoc and doom to our time-honoured tea traditions. A doom-monger. Allegiances turned. Tea was under threat. And maybe it still is. But in my heart, it will always reign supreme. None of this coffee muck can ever turn my head. This is more than enough of a reason as to why coffee should rot in hell. For ripping Yorkshire apart. But sane people will want a more logical argument than that, won’t they? Jolly good, then. Here we go…
Fancy a bit of heart disease? No? Ah, well, it’s been a long-held belief that coffee causes heart disease. And yes, a 2012 study found that actually, it lowers one’s risk, but I argue that the original assumption isn’t without merit. I mean, there must have been a reason as to why we thought that. No tale without truth, as I always say. Unless it was written by a Yorkie.
And sure, some would say that it reduces the risk of Type 2 Diabetes. Oh, come on, it’s only 9%. And? Eat an apple instead, that’ll reduce your diabetes risk by 9%, surely, and all with the added benefit of enjoying a juicy red apple instead of the foul tasting garbage that is coffee. Oh, yes, I did say red apple. What kind of idiot likes green apples? No, scratch that. Fruit in general. I prefer red grapes, too. I’m a fruit racist…
You’re probably shouting at me about the caffeine content. “Ah, well, but your precious, precious tea contains caffeine as well!” Oh, do be quiet. Tea contains as little as half a grain of caffeine. Coffee contains three grains of caffeine. That’s a 500% increase! Coffee is a drug. Tea certainly isn’t, although I admit we sure treat it like one here in England. The negatives far outweigh the benefits. Coffee increases the number of headaches we get. Increases our chances of ulcers. There’s a strong correlation between it and suicides. It increases our cholesterol levels and our chances of developing osteoporosis. And on top of all this, we can’t escape the fact that all coffee tastes like polluted seawater. Or ‘seawater’ as Greenpeace and other such hippies call it. Coffee is a vile and abhorrent disease that I would love so very much to wipe off the face of the Earth, but, sadly, I just can’t. Coffee, unfortunately, is here to stay. Dagnabbit.
Why should coffee go to hell? Because it deserves it, that’s why.
But what are your thoughts on coffee, readers?
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