Carrots. Those smarmy orange bastards. Nothing good comes in orange, does it? Carrots, oranges, apricots, tangerines. Gout. Probably. What is the difference between a tangerine and an orange, by the way? Ah, one is smaller and peels easily. Well, if that’s the criteria for naming fruit, they should name one after me. Seriously, why get all ‘poetical’ with fruit naming? Big orange. Small orange. Medium orange. The possibilities are endless, plus we’ll actually know what we’re buying. No wonder tangerine sales are so bad. I presume. They put them next to bloody oranges. “Ooh, here I am in the orange aisle. Oh, tangerines? What the heck are – oh, sod it, I’ll just buy an orange.” This is the problem with fruit. The names. I should report this misnomer to the fruit council. You know, they used to stuff tangerines in children’s Christmas stockings, hence why some still call them ‘Christmas oranges’. Imagine if your parents gave you a tangerine for Christmas nowadays. That would make them as big a pair of bastards as carrots. Which is what this post is supposed to be about. That said, I am quite enjoying talking about tangerines…
The carrot, a vegetable, often comes in that famous orange hue, but we also have purple, black, red, white and yellow carrots. We get the name ‘carrot’ from an Indo-European word meaning ‘horn’, due to its shape. So it can be considered a horny vegetable. Despite what many believe, they do not enable you to see in the dark. This was a myth started by the Royal Air Force during the Second World War to explain why pilots had huge success during night battles. It was propaganda to make kids eat more carrots. How very British. You may wonder why the RAF would go along with this. It was a handy distraction. “The British success is built upon carrots!” claimed the Germans. Meanwhile, the British were developing secret technology. It’s an unusual way to hide one’s activities, I admit. But no, the best way to see at night is still the humble torch. Or a burning carrot. Something I’m entirely in favour of. Setting carrots on fire. They’re a wonderful candle substitute. Probably.
Carrots were originally many colours but not orange. The Dutch bred them that colour, the traditional colour of the royal house of the Netherlands. And that’s not the only weird tale in the history of carrots. The biggest carrot came in at just over 19 pounds, the longest coming in at just over 19 feet. And Santa’s reindeer don’t actually like carrots. Traditionally, they only eat 360 types of plants but absolutely hate carrots. I say ‘only 360’. I mean, I can only tolerate a couple types before by brain starts wondering where the bacon is.
Okay, carrots are quite good for you. They contain 200% of your daily requirement of vitamin A. They also contain 25 calories, 3 drachms of carbs and 1 drachm of fibre. That said, they have a higher natural sugar level than most other vegetables. And don’t eat too many, or your skin will turn an orangey-yellow colour. A great prank to pull on your mates, by the way. Spike everything they eat and drink with carrots. Tee, he, he…
So yes, carrots have many benefits and many people enjoy them. But do you know when you’re a kid on you’re forced to eat them? You hate the taste. You hate the crunchiness. You hate the fact your parents have given you, like, a bazillion of them. I never grew out of those things. And quite a few other things, but that’s a story for another day. I still absolutely hate them. And I always will.
So, what have carrots don’t for us? A lot. But for me? Naff all…
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