Wine! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing, that’s what. This wretched, disgusting foul lump of awfulness has plagued the world for too long. For too long we’ve been blinded by false science. Claiming wine is some kind of super drug that can cure everything. For too long we’ve been blinded by its aristocratic nature and highfalutin grandiloquence. For too long we’ve been blinded by its vile taste. This daemon of drinks. Do you know why wine was created originally? It was created as a medicine. “Ah”, you say. “There you go. Proof it is good for your health.” Hold that thought. It was used to disinfect wounds, to treat stomachache, to treat diarrhoea, the make childbirth easier and, this is true, to treat herpes. So yes, go ahead and indulge in your wine fantasies. But it will only help you if you’re pregnant or so horny you couldn’t wait to buy a condom. Actually, those things may be connected…
Every year, there are countless studies praising and hating on wine in equal measure. In 1968, red wine was connected to migraines and increased acidity in the stomach. But things were looking up for winos come 2001. One doctor that year claimed, “It’s quite clear that… those who drink wine are more likely to have higher social and economic status, higher education, higher IQ, and have parents with higher education and higher socioeconomic status, and those factors are strongly related to [good] health.” You see! Bloody elitist wine. How does any of that prove that wine is good for you? Of course wine drinkers are rich. The poor can’t afford the good stuff. And as for higher IQ, I’ve never met an intelligent drunk, have you?
It’s tit-for-tat with wine. Sure, the resveratrol in it could help to prevent prostate cancer, but another ingredient has been proven to increase the risk of leukaemia. Oh, it increases life expectancy? Only in men. It reduces it in women. And it doesn’t really help your heart. A study done in 2014 found that reducing one’s wine consumption is hugely beneficial for one’s heart. A study done in 2007 found that wine could ever trigger breast cancer and horrible body odour caused by an insect that shits on the vines in vineyards. Still like wine?
Yes, in 2012, it was found that the balance of pigs and mice and the fat they carry was reduced with a regular sip of wine, but they are pigs and mice. Not humans. But the facts remain the same. There are far more studies suggesting red wine, for example, is bad for you rather than good. An experiment done last year by University College London found that regular wine drinkers who gave up drinking wine for a month had, by the end of the month, better liver function, lower blood pressure, lower cholesterol levels and had a reduced risk of developing diabetes and liver disease. The National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence now says there is no safe level of alcohol consumption for humans.
I know it’s hugely popular. The earliest evidence of wine we have goes back to Georgia, where 8,000-year-old wine jars were discovered. A 6,100-year-old winery was discovered in neighbouring Armenia. The French drink 14 pints of the stuff per capita every year. But you can’t escape the fact that it is elitist, always a bad thing. That is tastes utterly awful. That it has far more negative health effects than good. And that it was created to aid childbirth. Childbirth! I mean, that proves just how little the ancient world knew, doesn’t it?
Why do people like wine? Oh, God only knows…
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