I’m not a vain person. More of an artery. Ba-dum-tish. I’ve always said that I love my bottom most of all, but now I’m not so sure. I mean, you’d want a concise answer to this question and I can’t really say why I like my bottom so much. It’s like when you’re learning to cook and you decide to make a cake. Now, it’s your first attempt, so you’re not suspecting much glory. And, indeed, when the cake is done, it’s… mostly shit. But there’s something about it. Just one little thing that is really swell. And you know what it is but you can’t figure out how you did it. That’s my bottom. Everything else is terrible. But that one thing came out okay. Of course, all this sounds like the ramblings of a crazy person, and I happen to agree. So let’s take a look at the rest of me. Maybe there’s something else that is okay and maybe that something has a concrete explanation as to why. After all, ‘bottom’ is, mostly, a joke. But it’s like… like those pair of jeans you own that everyone else hates. You know why they hate them, but you love them anyway. Are my similes terrible? Yes? Should I move on? Yes, I quite agree…
Okay. Bottom to top okay with you? Good. Feet. I don’t really have an opinion of my feet. They’re just feet. Quite hairy feet, too. I trim my toe hair. Didn’t want to know that, did you? Moving on. Legs. They’re also hairy. Very hairy. I can’t even begin to put into words how hairy they are. I mean, Jesus, it’s unholy. I don’t really have an opinion on them, either. This isn’t going well. Moving up to my – oh, no, let’s skip that…
My belly? No, it’s a bit of a potbelly, really. Not hugely appealing. And I don’t really like a belly button. They look weird. My chest isn’t that hairy, actually. I mean, the hair that’s on it is very lightly coloured, but even considering that, there’s a surprisingly small amount of hair there. I hate my arms, too. Very thin. I don’t know how one gains weight on one’s arms. Somebody suggested weightlifting, but my arms are so thin, I can’t really lift weights. Sort of a dead-end that avenue, really.
My nipples are okay, I suppose. In that, by comparison, they’re pretty normal. My face is a mess, though. My facial hair grows so fast I can’t keep up. And my skin is all blemished and I’ve tried everything to combat that but it just keeps getting worse. Like some evil warning from some skin devil. Mess with me, I’ll make things worse. My nose is weird, too. My eyes are strange. Hair is awful, as well. But what about that thing underneath?
My brain. Many would answer this question with something about their personality. But I don’t really have one. I know that if any of us speaks up for a certain aspect of our personality, somebody else will point to an occasion when that bit of us disappeared. Our personalities are constantly changing, is my point. Which leaves me with a bit of a stalemate in regards to answering this question.
So how about this? What do I love most about myself? That I don’t love anything about myself. Yeah, how about that for a trippy answer?
What do you mean that answer is a cop-out?
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