I did one of these online test thingies. It was about what I taste like. Now, I’m not holding it to much scientific accuracy, but it thinks I’d taste like prime fillet steak. Really good, 28 day aged stuff. ‘The stuff that makes people cry with joy… the reason cannibalism exists.’ Erm… should I be worried? I guess ‘being eaten’ isn’t particularly high on the list of concerns people have these days. I say ‘these days’. I just imagine the olden days as being a bit more ‘human eating happy’. It’s on my list of reasons why I wouldn’t visit the past. You know, as well as the usual stuff. Not wanting to mess up the timeline. Accidentally killing one of my ancestors, even though that means that means I would have never been born, therefore I couldn’t have travelled back to kill my ancestor. Of course, my biggest fear is that I’ll land my time machine somewhere I shouldn’t. Like on top of a nest full of Tyrannosaurus Rex eggs. I mean, if Jurassic Park has taught me anything, it’s that one should not piss off Tyrannosaurus Rex parents…
And there are plenty of other online quizzes. One thought I would taste like an apple. Another, strawberry. Two found that I’d taste ‘plain’ and ‘average’. Oh. Another said that I would taste ‘finger licking good’, which yes, I know is something to do with KFC, but like all sane people, I prefer McDonald’s. One final test I did claimed that I would taste like ‘the best burger ever’. The author of that particular one had written, ‘You’re creative, like burgers.’ Huh? Good name for my autobiography, though.
But what do we really know about cannibalism? Well, let’s not beat around the bush, something I imagine happens a lot in cannibalism. This is the eating of human flesh. And it doesn’t just happen in the human race. Other animals do it, too. Some even engage in sexual cannibalism. Ah, sexual cannibalism. Horny and hungry. Well, we’ve all been there…
Surprisingly, it’s not illegal. However, if you do decide to munch on your best friend, be warned, you will be charged with murder and desecration of a corpse, but not cannibalism. This is true of most countries, including the UK and America. Although cannibalism is illegal in Idaho. No idea why. But it’s bad news for all the Idahoan cannibals out there.
Still, if you must resort to cannibalism, the brain and the muscles are the best. The liver and kidneys contain human waste and the eyeballs are full of acids that will make you quite ill. Oh, and say no to the fingers. Far too much cartilage. Very difficult to digest. But it’s still rather common. A Dutch TV game show, Guinea Pigs, had on two guests who ate each other’s flesh. A Japanese man recently invited guests to eat his genitals, too, but only for a measly $250. I’d charge rather more, but that’s just me…
And, talking of Guinea Pigs, don’t go to Papa New Guinea. The Korowai tribe there still practise cannibalism. They last killed and ate someone in 2012. Still, eating someone isn’t that bad for you. Not that I’m encouraging it. You’ll only get sick if you eat someone who is already sick. Best not to risk it, really.
So, what would I taste like? Beef probably wasn’t too far away, really. Probably pork. That’s what most people say. In fact, the culinary term for humans is ‘long pork’, and human flesh has been sold many times throughout history as ‘pork’.
In fact, it wouldn’t surprise me if Tesco were selling a spot of long pork…
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