The vampire. Ooh, we should all be very, very frightened, shouldn’t we? I mean, ooh, vampires! Sigh. They’re not particularly frightening anymore, are they? They used to be, but then teenage girls became interested in them and that ruined vampires. The same is true of punk music. Ruined by teenage girls. It’s all pop punk bullshit these days. I miss the days of Sid Vicious throwing glasses at people. Anywho, we all know what a vampire is. It may be of interest to note that vampires are impossible. A paper released in 2006 argued that it’s impossible because of maths. Say the world’s first vampire appeared on January 1st, 1600. Say it drank blood once a month, far more than vampires do in the books and films. Say every victim turned into a vampire and that all vampires are immortal. By 1602, the entire population of Earth would be a vampire. And we know that isn’t true, right? Right? Good. Now that’s cleared up…
Of course, countless people will be shouting at me now to point out that there are ‘real’ vampires out there, such as Countess Elizabeth Bathory, who was accused of biting the flesh of girls whilst torturing them and bathing in their blood to retain her youthful beauty. Oh, and, of course, Prince Charles is a vampire. He’s descended from Vlad the Impaler, something Charles once commented on: “[I have] a bit of a stake in Romania!” Oh, Jesus, don’t try comedy…
Romania is awash with vampiric tales. Ancient Romanians believed a child would be born a vampire if the right spell were cast before birth. Other ways history tells us one can become a member of the legion of the undead was by eating the meat of a lamb slaughtered by a wolf, by being a Satanist or a witch, killing oneself, being buried in the wrong way, or if a cat or dog walks across your grave. I mean, honestly…
Oh, and in case you’re wondering, a group of vampires are most commonly referred to as a coven. That’ll come in handy when a group of them attacks you, won’t it? “Help! Emergency! I’m being attacked by a coven of vampires!”
What are the pros and cons of being a vampire? You know, the pros and cons of being something that doesn’t exist, but hey-ho. It really depends on the type of vampire. But, in general, you’ll live forever. You’ll have more power than anyone else will. You’ll never age. You can command anyone to do anything. However, you can’t go outside and enjoy the sunshine. And sure, you’ll live forever, but you’ll also see countless friends, lovers and family members die. And you know, after a while, you’ll have done everything, won’t you? You’ll be bored shitless. And there’ll be no more eating food or enjoying a good old drink. I don’t want to live in a world without bacon. Blood will become one’s bread and butter. Erm, oh, you know what I mean…
To be honest, readers, I wouldn’t choose to become a vampire, but I have a feeling that if vampires did exist, I wouldn’t have much choice on the matter.
So no, I would not choose to become a vampire.
But would you, readers?
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