Do You Like Doorbells?

Post 732

Knock, knock. What’s that? It’s a joke. You say, “Who’s there?” Oh, Jesus. Let’s try this again. Knock, knock, readers! What’s that? “Who’s there?” Ah. Isabell. Isabell who, you say? Isabell a ding-dong? Ba-dum-tish. I said, BA-DUM-TISH! Why aren’t you laughing? LAUGH, DAMN YOU!

The doorbell. Have you any idea how hard it is trying to find an interesting facts about the humble doorbell? Prepare, one and all, for the shortest blog post in history. It’s a great injustice that I haven’t tackled the doorbell in 732 posts. Did you know, for example, that 82% of teenagers do not ring the doorbell? You see, I’m sure this is a preference of touchy things these days. I’m young but I’m old fashioned. I like buttons. The button at the traffic lights. A proper old fashioned mobile phone with proper buttons you can press without the need of special ‘touch gloves’. The central heating, that satisfying clunk as the machine whirrs into life. No, not nowadays. Touch this screen to turn on the central heating. Cross the road and hope you don’t get run over. Talk into a machine named Siri to ring a friend. Text someone to let them know you’re outside. BAH HUMBUG! What happened to the olden ways of doing things! Lazy young’uns. Feckless, the lot of them. I want my buttons back! GIVE… ME… MY… BUTTONS… BACK!

Oh, and don’t get me started on those touch screen gloves. I mean, you’ve invented something that didn’t need inventing. You’ve invented a device that results in a problem that then needs a solution, also known as ‘touch gloves’, which then results in the problem of making you look like a dingus. I should not have to take off my gloves to call someone, for heaven’s sake! I suppose those accusing me of Luddism would say, “Ah, but really old phones had a metal ring you put your finger in and then had to push around to the required number.” True. But they were used indoors. Who wears gloves indoors, for heaven’s sake? Sorry, this is meant to be about doorbells…

The doorbell! A way of letting others know you’re at the door. Before this, we knocked, although a roaring tap on the window was also common. In fact, if you live in a terraced house in the north of England, 99% of people who visit your home won’t knock or ring the doorbell. No, they’ll bang on the front window like some horny gorilla. Yes, it is the best way to get someone’s attention because it’s the loudest way to get someone’s attention, but it doesn’t half make you crap yourself…

The Scottish invented the doorbell. William Murdoch created a system using compressed air. The electric doorbell was invented by Joseph Henry, an American. Many, therefore, would credit the invention of the doorbell to the Americans. But you try telling the Scots that. Oh, boy, it’ll be a braveheart who does that…

I did have a paragraph here about musical doorbells, but it was too long. Basically, I hate them. I equated them to these ringtones that aren’t ringtones. The whistles, and what have you. How cool is not cool. It was probably for the best that I cut this bit, really.

And that’s that. I did my best, readers. Doorbells just aren’t interesting. What, you want more? Jesus, I’m not some kind of super awesome doorbell wizard capable of conjuring up some super awesome doorbell facts, am I now?

Don’t answer that…

Ciao :)(:


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The Indelible Life of Me
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