Muffins! Damn you, muffins! I hate you so very, very much. But it’s annoying because I’m literally the only human who hates the muffin. I’ve never met someone who hates them as much as I do. But if you tell someone you don’t like a muffin, the look they give you is one of pure hate. Like you’ve just told them you just killed someone. There is an insane love of the muffin out there. At a conference in 2009, the US Justice Department spent $4,200 dollars on muffins. $4,200! Ah, I bet you’re thinking that bought them a shit load of muffins. Nope. 250. 250 muffins for $4,200. What the heck? Were they sprinkled in gold with a diamond at their centre? Gee. I just don’t get the love of the moofin…
That’s not a spelling mistake, by the way. The word ‘muffin’ first shows up around the year 1703, but was spelt ‘moofin’. I’m glad they changed it, though. I love the word ‘muffin’. In fact, I shall endeavour to say it as much as possible. Muffin! A baked product with many varieties. I’m reliably informed that people enjoy a muffin for breakfast. Hmm, must be an American thing. Over here, muffins are very much a dessert. We do like a cake for dessert. Although I think it’s a disgrace to label a muffin a ‘cake’. It just isn’t one. Stop calling it a cake! It’s a disgrace of a cake! It’s just a collection of bits, really.
I’m sure you’ve heard of the muffin man. In olden times, the muffin man was real. People often wandered the streets of olde England with carts with a variety of products on them. The milkman. The fishmonger. The ice-cream man. The muffin man. Yet only the ice-cream man survived. It’s said the muffin men balanced the muffins on their heads. Yes, I also find that an amusing image…
It’s said that in 1829, there was an attempt to fix a boxing match between Reuben Marten and Jonathan ‘Young Gas’ Bissel. Young Gas (oh, what a wonderful name) refused to take the bribe and later identified the man who offered him the £200 to throw the fight. Eight grand in today’s money. The assailant, one Mr. Smith, was a muffin man. Young Gas also identified several men who acted as ‘go-betweens’, but they denied involvement. They said, “We do not have the slightest knowledge of the muffin man.” And a rhyme was born.
February 20th is National Muffin Day. Oh, bloody muffins. They taste awful. Come one, they really do. Especially when they have chocolate bits on them. Chocolate in bits is not chocolate. It’s like someone has blown up a chocolate bar and chocolate bars don’t deserve that. Plus, muffins crumble in your hands. They go everywhere. It’s a design flaw of the highest magnitude. You can never get them out of those wrappers, too, meaning you end up conceding defeat and just eat the paper. It’s just a complete and utter disaster. You end up trying to eat one with a fork, and no self-respecting cake lover eats a cake with a bloody fork. But the muffin still crumbles, so you instead have to eat it with a spoon, and that’s just ludicrous. You end up sat on a park bench trying to eat a muffin with a spoon, watching various chunks break away and hurtle toward the floor, leaving you looking the fool.
The inventor of the muffin needs shooting. And if he’s already dead, good. You are a muffin man I certainly don’t want to know.
Why do people like muffins? Because people are mad, that’s why…
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