I’ve never won this much money. Gee, the most money I’ve ever won is… about 150 quid. The least I won was a penny. I think it was a pity penny. 1,000 pounds. Wow. I wonder how much the Moon costs. A selfish buy, bought just to stop lunatics like Trump buying it and slapping his name across it. “Well, I’ll build my own damn Moon then.” Good luck with that. £1,000. It’s a lot of money. I’d love a panda or two. Or maybe some friends. Ooh, what about 1,000 Milkybar buttons? They only cost a quid from Tesco. £1! That’s 50,000 lovely white milk chocolate buttons! FIFTY THOUSAND! Ooh, what a thought that is. Oh, hang on, excuse me – I think I need a cold shower…
I could build a low budget underwater lair. I’ve always wanted a ‘lair.’ And sure, a proper villain lair would be high on top of a mountain, or carved into the side of a mountain, but I get real bad altitude sickness, which, sure, would make me a pretty naff villain, but if my secret lair was underwater, well, all I’d have to worry about then is… my crippling seasickness. Hmm. Maybe an underwater lair is a bad idea.
I could go for something dull like clothes or something obvious like a second hand car. But I have enough clothes, surely. I mean, how many clothes does one person really need? As long as they cover up my lovelies, I don’t see the point. That said, I do quite like the idea of buying a pair of underwear for each day of the year…
In fact, laziness is really appealing to me. I could spend my grand hiring people to do stuff I can’t be bothered doing, like dress myself. It might even finally be enough money to commit to the hippy lifestyle. Hey, it takes a lot of money to set up a hippy camp. I’d call it, ‘Alan’s Hippy Camp.’ I’m not very good at coming up with names. I could hire someone to come up with a name. Or I could be lazy and use Google.
Quiet Storm. That’s what Google told me my hippy name is. Quiet Storm. Oh, yeah…
I could go the other way and buy a lovely tuxedo and a rocking chair to sit in whilst wearing said tuxedo. Oh, I would most certainly be eating oysters at some point during my rocking, you know, when I wasn’t twirling my diamond tipped cane or fiddling with my monocle or sherry. I’d also be wearing a hat, but not your usual tuxedo top hat. Maybe a trilby. Love a trilby, I must say.
These seem to be my options. Dull or exciting. I could be dull and get a bucket load of lottery tickets, or I could be exciting and go to the Whitby arcades and go mental on the coin pusher machines. Sure, I’ve done that before, but never with a grand. I could even be eccentric. I don’t know, I could set up a banana stall and start selling bananas. Mmm, bananas. I approve.
Hmm, what else is there? Well, let’s do a quick Google search and see if – HYDRO HAMMOCK! Oh my giddy aunt, you can buy an actual hydro hammock! It’s a hot tub… hammock! OH MY GOD, YES! What a brilliant invention. Just brilliant. A hydro hammock and it only costs 360 dollars! That would mean I’d have enough left over for, what… about 10,000 milk chocolate buttons. Wonderful. Just imagine that. Sat in my hydro hammock with a big sack full of white milk chocolate buttons. Ah, heaven…
Whilst I’d love to do that, I don’t think my brain would let me. I’d be down the hammock shop with my cash in hand and my brain would start screaming at me to invest the money more wisely. As sad as it would make me, I think I have to agree with Mr. Brain in this situation.
If I won £1,000 – I’d just put it in the bank.
I know it’s a dull answer, readers. Hence why I suggested buying some friends earlier…
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