THE EARTH IS NOT FLAT, YOU FLAT EARTH MORONS! Hello kids, and welcome to class. Sorry if any of you are members of the ludicrous flat Earth society, but I really do believe you are like the Luddites smashing up all those machines. “I don’t agree with an easier workload – KILL THE MACHINES!” The Earth is not flat. It’s as round as I wish my arse was. But there are people who think the Earth is flat. And whether or not we agree with you, we respect your opinions. ‘We’ being the round Earthers, and ‘we’ being 99% of the world’s population. But hey, I know what it’s like to be in a minority. I’m left handed. Most people think we’re children of Satan…
But this isn’t an argument about whether the Earth is flat or not. Instead, it’s argument about what the Earth would look like if it was flat. Now, I do accept that, during this, I may prove or disprove arguments from both sides, but that doesn’t change the fact that the Earth is as round as a ball of yarn. It also doesn’t give legitimacy to the flat Earth brigade, but yes, may completely disprove where they’re coming from. Of course, such is not my intention, class. As an award-winning professor, I must remain neutral. Oh, what are my awards? They’re not important. One was for a thesis on why the Earth is clearly round and the other was for a jam donut eating competition, but like I say, not important.
One of the biggest arguments us round Earthers often use in support of our argument is that if the Earth was flat, we would fall off the edge. To say this is utter bullshit would give some legitimacy to the flat Earthers, and by ‘some,’ I mean – so, very, very, very much. It is bullshit. But I’m not saying the Earth is flat. I haven’t gone mental. Well, I mean, I will do one day, and some would say that day has been and gone, but that’s not the point…
If the Earth was flat, life for many wouldn’t be that different. In fact, in the centre of the disk, life would be no different to how it is now, on our round Earth. But, and this is complicated, as you move toward the edge, gravity would ‘skew.’ This is very hard to imagine. So I’ll try to describe it as if you were a bunch of toddlers. Not that I’m saying you are, because I’m just as confused about all this as you are. In fact, I’m always confused. I woke up this morning thinking I was Napoléon. Anywho…
Imagine a piece of paper. On that paper, you have an arrow. It is pointing straight down. There’s another arrow to the right, but at a slight angle. Another, next to that, is at more of an angle. And so on. Eventually, your piece of paper will be full of arrows gradually tilting more and more to the right. The last arrow is almost horizontal. That would be our gravity on a flat Earth. And we know gravity aint like that, no way, bruv. That final arrow is pointing toward the first one, the centre of our flat Earth. Much like gravity now on our round Earth ‘points’ toward the centre. But this means that, on a disk Earth, things would be rather different.
If you imagine a man running from the centre of our spinning plate of a planet to the edge, he would be running on an incline. Sure, it would start all normal and dandy, but come the edge, it would be almost vertical. It would be extremely difficult for our little guy to keep running. As for the buildings in our settlements, they would appear to be going the other way. So at the opposite angle to our incline. It would look weird, but for those in the buildings, it would be perfectly normal. That’s how we would build things. At ridiculous angles to counter the shape and gravity of a flat Earth. Sure, it’s all very complicated and a bit dull, but it proves that, at the very least, the Earth is not flat. As for our little runner, he’s quite dead.
Well, okay, he’d only be dead if stopped running. By the time he reaches the edge of the disk, he’s at great risk of ‘falling’ toward the centre of the Earth because the angle he’d be at would be, remember, almost vertical. If he managed to make it to the edge, would he fall off? Nope. He’d walk across the edge, a flat plane, and then he’d begin a long walk back to the centre of the Earth. Except his incline would go the other way. Instead of climbing up a hill, he’d be going down one. Although if he tried to walk it, he could fall and be killed, so he’d be better off finding a toboggan and riding the incline to the centre. Of course, by the time he arrived at the centre, he would be travelling so fast he would probably be vaporised. He’s dead in any case, class. Poor guy.
All this doesn’t really matter. No large objects in space are flat because gravity compresses them into a ball, so something as large as the Earth must be round according to the laws of science. For most of our history, humans have known the Earth is round. The notion of a ‘flat Earth’ was a smear on a primitive people. “You believe the Earth is flat, so you’re stupid.” It wasn’t intended as a statement of fact, rather a statement of smear. Such lies were repeated so often that people, stupid people, began to believe the lie. But scientists knew the Earth was round as early as the 3rd century, over 1,000 years ago. So what of the modern day, very active flat Earthers? Well, they believe there’s no such thing as gravity. Need I say more?
What if the Earth was flat? Well, it isn’t.
I don’t even like entertaining such an idea…
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