Would You Be a Giant?

Post 767

“Fee-fi-fo-fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman!” Said the giant. Clearly, rhyming wasn’t his strong suit. “Be he alive or be he dead, I’ll grind his bones to make my bread.” I mean, I’m no cook, but… that can’t be how one makes bread, right? It was worse when Edgar said it in King Lear, mind. “Fie, foe and fum, I smell the blood of a British man.” You see, this is why kids aren’t that interested in Shakespeare and fairytales anymore. It needs modernising, bruv. ‘Fee-fi-fo-fum, there’s a huge giant who has been dissed. Here comes the giant, all mad and pissed. Jack’s time is running out, tick-tock. All ready to gobble up Jack’s… frock.’ Needs a bit of work doing to it, admittedly…

Jack was just a poor boy from a poor family, a little silhouette of a man who was not being allowed to go anywhere. We all know the story, right? Jack has beans. Magic beans. This story would’ve been very different had it been written in the ‘60s. He plants the beans and from those seeds grows a ginormous beanstalk. Jack climbs the beanstalk and at the top, a huge giant awaits. But the giant isn’t the monster in this story. No, Jack is. Not to put too fine a point on it, but he’s a total dick. He disrupts the poor giant sleeping. Then he returns twice more to steal the giant’s golden egg laying goose and his harp that plays itself. No wonder the poor giant is pissed off. To make matters worse, Jack then cuts down the beanstalk, brutally killing the giant. Jack then lives happily ever after on his ill-gotten gains. Jack sounds like a right old crumbum.

Regardless, could such a being exist? A giant human. No, of course not. Otherwise, we’d know about it, surely. But could one theoretically exist? Just like in ‘Jack and the Beanstalk.’ But, you know, without all the harp stealing, goose stealing and giganticide. What? That’s a real word. Look it up…

Let’s consider the mathematics. We don’t know how tall George was. George is what I’ve named the giant, by the way, since he was rudely unnamed in the original fairytale. If our George were around 60 feet in height, around 10 of your average men stacked on top of one another, George would weigh around 90 imperial tons. A big boy indeed. His legs would have to be nearly 33 times as thick as the legs of an average fella. Every square inch of bone would have to support 10 times the weight of an ordinary human bone. The human thighbone, however, snaps under a weight 10 times greater than its average human weight, meaning poor George would not be able to walk or even stand up without his legs breaking. Something I’m sure would make that sadistic little tosspot Jack giggle with glee.

This isn’t as complicated as it sounds. The human body is like an orchestra. Things are perfectly balanced and if that balance was disrupted, it’s like… I don’t know. Like the tuba player in the orchestra wanting some glory and deciding to stand up in the middle of a performance to do a solo. Nobody wants to hear a tuba solo. The tuba would ruin the orchestra. Now, some would say the tuba already ruins the orchestra, and you would be right, but that’s not the point…

Your typical human bones cannot support the size of a giant. The tallest human in history, Robert Wadlow, used a walking stick and died at the very tender age of just 22. At the time of his death, he was nearly nine feet in height. Never mind 60. But it’s not just bone problems. Muscles would have to be stronger but would also have to do so much more work. Breathing difficulties would be aplenty. Almost every bodily function would break down. For example, the body may be bigger, but the lungs would be limited to the maximum size they could grow. They just wouldn’t be able to grow big enough. The oxygen needed for George is a demand that couldn’t be met by his own body. In the same way, the food he’d need couldn’t be processed quickly enough by the stomach and the intestines. And the heart, a muscle, would barely cope, too. An average pulse pressure for a human is around 1.5 inch of mercury. For George’s heart to pump blood to the brain and around his body, his pulse pressure would have to be nearly 18.50 inch of mercury, something no human heart, even one of exceptional size, could manage.

And I haven’t even mentioned yet the fact that such a large human would overheat massively. George would have to be naked all the time, and even that wouldn’t be good enough. Also, no offence old boy, I don’t really want to see you naked…

If George were real, he would only be alive for a matter of minutes, if that. Although if his mother managed to survive that long, I’d be very impressed. His heart would stop beating and his lungs would collapse and fail, along with all his other organs. His bones would shatter. And worst of all, he’d be arrested for public nudity. Although good luck getting cuffs on him.

Would I be a giant? Absolutely not. For a start, I like being alive…

Ciao :)(:


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Please feel free check out the latest posts from my other blog:

The Indelible Life of Me
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