Thongs! Oh, thongs, wonderful thongs. I’m not entirely sure why women like wearing thongs. It’s not a question I’ve ever asked a woman, if I’m being honest. I mean, they’re very expensive, despite a lack of material. The thongs, that is. They’re very uncomfortable. Erm, so I’m told. They leave you with a permanent wedgie. You certainly can’t wear short dresses. Instead of panty lines, you’ll have thong lines, although why either is an issue for women is a question mankind has wondered since the dawn of… underwear. And I haven’t even mentioned a plethora of intimate issues. And sure, women think thongs make them all sexy, but sexy to whom? Men, and this may come as a shock, certainly don’t find thongs attractive. Quite the opposite, in fact. So when women say it makes them feel more appealing and sexier, it really doesn’t. Which begs the question, why do people even wear them, then? The only half-decent answer I’ve found is that women feel like it shows off their bottom, although, again, to whom? And what if you don’t even have a nice bottom? You can’t see it. If you could, I’d go to see a doctor. I think your head is on the wrong way round. You only have the opinions of others to go on. Your boyfriend will always compliment you, to make you happy, regardless of whether or not he actually believes in what he’s saying, and as for your female friends – I mean, women are inherently lovely. They’re not gonna say anything bad about you. Women should stop worrying about all this. I, a man, couldn’t care less what anyone thinks of my bottom. Although, for the record, a woman once grabbed a chunk of my left buttock and said she thought it was lovely, a woman I didn’t even know, by the way…
A thong, for the few of you who may not know, it sorta like a pair of Y-fronts with nothing covering the buttocks. The word ‘thong’ comes from the Old English word ‘thwong,’ a flexible leather cord. They’re known as ‘tanga’ in Germany. ‘Prashka’ in Bulgaria, translating, rather wonderfully, as ‘slingshot.’ Australians know them as ‘bangers,’ although it is worth pointing out that bangers and mash is something very different. And in Brazil, thongs are known as ‘fio dental,’ translating as ‘dental floss.’ Ew.
The earliest evidence we have of thong use is a 75,000-year-old skeleton found wearing one. Well, okay, 75,000 years ago, people were wearing thongs, but I’m not sure about the skeleton. Pleasant image, though. Thongs were originally word exclusively by men. And yes, I bet you think it’s incredibly obvious which nation gave us the modern thong. Austrian-American Jewish fashion legend Rudi Gernreich. Not… not the French, surprisingly. Gernreich invented the monokini in the 1960s, sort of a cozi with a thong and no top. At all. Of any kind. No top? Are you sure he wasn’t French?
Originally, thongs were the preserve of exotic dancers, at a time when nudity was not seen and so one had to be cunning to titillate. By the 1980s, women’s clothing was becoming tighter and so women demanded underwear that would eliminate that damned panty line and show off their gym-honed thighs. For any kids reading, everyone went to the gym in the ‘80s. It really was a truly awful decade…
Fashion designer Frederick Mellinger answered the call and utilised the thong as an ‘erotic item,’ alongside crotchless and edible underwear. Soon, these seedy origins gave way to the mainstream. By the late ‘80s, every woman was wearing them. By the 2000s, the thong had made great strides to all but eradicate traditional underwear. This craze perhaps reached its zenith with the whale tail; a trend many soon realised was utterly redonkulous.
This bizarre trend saw women the world over wearing their trousers deliberately low so as to expose the top of the thong. I fondly remember this trend enveloping my secondary school. It came around about the same time a lot of the girls stopped wearing bras. These two things are two of the few things I actually remember about going to school in the 2000s. That and that one day that kid lost his finger. But mainly the thongs.
Of course, not every woman buys into the world of thongs. Many believe that they act as germ conduits, leading to unpleasantries such as urinary tract infections, yeast infections and the horrific sounding bacterial vaginosis. However, a very recent study found no evidence to support this belief. Apart from irritation and the atomic wedgie they give you, thong wearing is perfectly fine. Drat.
Despite a resurgence of the thong in the 2000s, many turned against them. In 2004, a high school vice principle in San Diego caused an outrage when he insisted on ‘checking’ more than 100 female student’s underwear as they entered the school for a dance. He was ‘checking’ to ‘make sure’ they weren’t wearing thongs for ‘safety reasons.’ As you can probably imagine, he didn’t have permission, either literal or moral. I mean, I’ve heard a few excuses in my time, but ‘safety reasons’ is a new one on me.
It wasn’t the last time a school inappropriately interfered, either. The University of Victoria Law School once required all the thong wearing students’ thongs to have the school logo on them. Seriously. I mean, is there even enough room? Not my main issue with this, of course, but it’s on the list…
Still, some were utilising the thong for good in 2004. Alexander Putnam completed the London Marathon painted as a tropical tree, wearing a green thong. It was for logging in the Congo. Not in favour, of course. Perhaps he was running away from the loggers. Four years later, a diamond studded thong sold for $122,000 at a Singapore fashion show. I bet Putnam is glad he didn’t run the marathon in that. Well, I guess that depends on where the diamonds were located.
By 2015, thong sales were down globally by 10% on 2014 sales, whereas sales of traditional underwear were up nearly 20%. Despite this, sales are still high. The thong is the most worn underwear in America, accounting for 37% of all underwear sales. Yet countless studies have found that younger people, the under 30s and the millennials, don’t buy them at all. In that age group, it’s the least bought underwear. And that’s great news. The world is finally realising the tiny thong is a colossal waste of time.
Women will tell you it all comes down to sexiness. But isn’t that negated by the fact that almost every man alive just doesn’t find them sexy at all? They’ll only be appealing to other women, which is great if you’re gay, but a bit pointless if you’re not. Yet nobody has this conversation with their partners, do they? “Ooh, hello darling, aren’t I all alluring with my thong?” “Well, not really, no.” “What do you mean ‘no’?” “Well, it’s a common misconception that every man turns into a dribbling wreck upon the sight of a thong, but it’s a fallacy driven by many factors, chief among which is -“ “Look, do you want sex or not?” “Well, if that’s your attitude, no thank you. I said good day!” I presume this is how couples talk. I’ve never been in a relationship. I don’t know if that’s obvious.
Like most men, I’ve never worn a thong. I just don’t get them. I’m glad the younger generations are turning away from them. And not just because of the whole ‘sex appeal’ thingy. Fair enough if women feel sexier wearing a thong, but I’ve never understood that way of thinking. If you dress to be sexy, you’re trying to appeal to others, and you should never do that, in life. It’s what in the heart that matters, not what’s wedged up your butt crack. I don’t dislike those who wear them, it’s your prerogative, but… they’re not for me. Plus, no one is ever going to see it. Until coitus is about to happen, but even then, it’ll only be a quick glimpse for a few seconds, right? I presume so. I’ve never had sex. I don’t know if that’s obvious.
Do you know how bad thongs are, nowadays? There’s now a wikiHow article on how to wear one. That’s surely the final nail in the coffin of the thong, right. I mean, I don’t know about you, but my underwear didn’t come with instructions…
So, my thoughts on the thong. I bloody hate them, that’s what I think.
But what are your thoughts on thongs, readers?
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