The rapture is not Biblical. I know that some would say that saying that is like the Pope saying he’s gonna give Buddhism a go, but it’s true. The Bible never really alludes to the complete destruction of our world. I mean, I know it will be destroyed one day, whether by nuclear war or a super mega deathy virus or a shit huge space rock or even that galaxy that’s hurtling toward us at a bazillion miles a second. Oh… oh, did you not know the Andromeda galaxy is on a collision course with – you know, it doesn’t matter. Everything’s gonna be just swell, darlings! I’M NOT PANICKING AT ALL! And no, before you ask, I am not building a giant homemade rocket for any ‘rapturous’ reasons, it’s just a hobby of mine, okay! I said good day!
We have those old Thessalonians to blame for why some denominations of Christianity believe in the rapture. 1 Thessalonians, chapter four, verses 15 to 17: ‘According to the Lord’s word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord Himself will come down from heaven… and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever.’ Now, and I’m not being pedantic, but that doesn’t really scream ‘rapture’ to me. It doesn’t sound too bad, actually. Yet this is the entire reason the idea of the ‘Biblical rapture’ is around. Just these few lines that, actually, never directly refer to any kind of rapture.
What this is saying, basically, is that our Lord will return to purge, heal and establish the eternal kingdom of God on this Earth, with heaven and Earth uniting like the wedding a man and another man, for all of eternity. That’s it, really. The Bible goes on to say, in Revelation 21.4, ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.’ So really, when we talk about the rapture, we’re actually just talking about the natural end of the world. And obviously I’m not saying this with my Roman Catholic hat on, as I am one, but merely from an unbiased historical point of view. If you don’t believe it, well, let’s just say we all believe in different things. It’s what makes the world shine.
Since we’re talking about the end of the world and since Trump is now in charge, let’s talk about nuclear annihilation. Because it’s almost certainly gonna happen under his presidency. If your world ends when the bomb goes off, you won’t really have much of a rapture. You’ll be in your kitchen. Perhaps making an omelette. It’ll be a day like all others. You’ll see a bright flash of light, you might have enough time to say, “Goodbye,” or, “I’ll never forgive you for not paying me back that money!” but you’ll be dead pretty quickly. What would I do on this particular rapture? I’d probably just stare at the mushroom cloud and say, “Oh, bugger, I spent ages prepping the shed for a repaint…”
Similarly, if a huge virus wiped us out, we’d be struck down rather quickly and spend our remaining time in absolutely agony. And, whilst I think on, a meteor strike, like the nuclear bombs, would be a rather quick death. One with the force of 30 nuclear bombs will definitely hit in the next 50 years and we’ll never be able to stop it, even with the most advanced technology imaginable. Really, so far, rapture doesn’t sound particularly ‘Hollywood.’ There are no big swooping speeches and grand gestures; it’s just… well, alive one second, dead the next. Doesn’t sound all that great, really.
Of course, there are plenty more ‘rapture events’ in this little bag of doom. What about ‘Milkdromeda?’ I don’t know what they’re gonna call the new galaxy that’s formed after the Milky Way and Andromeda collide, but don’t worry about it. The human race will be long gone by then. The only scenario I can think of where we’ll actually have time to say goodbye and do all the fun things we want to do, is the death of the Sun. One day, our star will die. It’ll expand all the way to Mars, meaning Earth is pretty buggered. The Sun will get brighter and brighter, the Earth will get hotter and hotter. Our oceans will start to evaporate. It won’t be a pleasant end, but at least we’d have the time to do all we’d want to do. And in this particular rapture scenario, well, I’ll have got done all I want so I’ll just put up a deck chair outside, shades on with cocktail with a little umbrella in one hand, and I’ll enjoy what time I have left. What more could you do, really? It’s the best rapture we can hope for. Not gonna happen, though…
Scientists are 100% confident the human race will be gone by then. The most likely cause of our demise is a global pandemic, a virus or something similar, meaning the most likely rapture is a slow and painful death suffering in utter agony and misery. The second most likely cause of our demise is an asteroid impact, a quick death but not one that allows much time for fun stuff beforehand. And we don’t even know what artificial intelligence might do to us, rise up and conquer, perhaps, and we really don’t know what will happen if aliens land and start probing the hell out of us.
What would I do on the ‘rapture’? It depends on the rapture, really. But if you’re going out, go out with a bang, I say…
What would you do on the rapture, readers?
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