All musicals are shit. Just thought I’d get that out of the way, on behalf of all men, of course. They just are. And don’t tell me your husband enjoys musicals, he’s only going with you to get in your good books. Men are dicks, we just are. Anywho, musicals. They sure don’t come much shitter than the Sound of Music, which, from what I can ascertain, is about a mad woman spinning around in circles in some obvious attempt to induce a drug like delirium. Basically, it’s like a 1959 Trainspotting. I tell you, this isn’t one of my favourite things. I’d rather be bashed over the head repeatedly with a cucumber than have to endure The Sound of bloody Music. And believe you me, that really, really hurts…
There have been 40 covers of this song, but so enduring was the original that the lyrics have never really been changed all too much. You really can tell it was written by a man, none other than Oscar Hammertime 2. Sorry, Hammerstein. Sorry, they sound so similar I’m always getting those two mixed up. But here’s the thing. Mary Martin and Patricia Neway sung this song in 1959 and sure, it may have made at least a modicum of sense back then, all of 58 years ago, but nowadays… I’m not so sure it has held up to the test of time so well. Which begs the question, are the ‘things’ a few of my favourite things, or indeed anyone’s favourite things? Heck, do they even make any sense anymore? Well strap in, we’re about to dive headfirst into the pool that is musicals, off a diving board of doom into a water of uncertainty, almost certainly leading to an untimely drowning, which is the only certain thing in this water of uncertainty. Look, I didn’t choose to call it that, stop yelling at me…
Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens. Yes, we’re really doing this. I mean, okay, raindrops on roses doesn’t sound all that bad, but it is really anyone’s favourite thing? Moreover, isn’t it a bit ‘flower racist’? You can almost hear the bluebells saying, “Hey? We have raindrops too, you know! You great big jackass.” I happen to agree with the bluebells. They are far more beautiful than roses. Why roses, Mr. Hammertime? What is so bleedin’ special about bleedin’ roses? They’re a frickin’ cliché! Now ‘raindrops on bluebells’ I could’ve got behind, even if a naturally occurring substance on a naturally occurring plant aint anyone’s favourite thing. Same applies to whiskers on kittens. Kittens, sure, I love those sweet little guys, but their whiskers? Come on! Give me strength, Lord. Who wouldn’t prefer, ‘Raindrops on bluebells and tiny little kittens…’ Hmm? Exactly! Everybody would prefer that! Heck, I’d even prefer a goddamn hernia…
Bright copper kettles, next! Bright copper kettles! Who the hell looks at a kettle and thinks, ‘Yes, that is my most favourite thing!’ How fucking pathetic must your life be to get any kind of pleasure out of a kitchen appliance? Get a frickin’ life! And warm woollen mittens? Really? I mean, really? Sod off. They’re mittens! Nothing is even remotely salvageable from this line. A nice cup of tea and a good pair of slacks. There you go. ‘Raindrops on bluebells and tiny little kittens, a nice cup of tea and a good pair of slacks.’ It doesn’t rhyme, but I don’t care. I’ve improved it tenfold, I really have.
Brown paper packages tied up with strings. I mean, okay, the medium is a bit outdated, but sure, one might be playing pass the parcel and there might be a huge chocolate cake inside. I’ll leave this line intact. Cream coloured ponies, on the other hand, is clearly sexist. It just is! A man wrote this! ‘Hmm… what do women like? PONIES!’ I mean, I know they all do, but still. You may as well put unicorns in there instead. Crisp apple strudels, next. I have no idea what one of these is, so I’ll replace it with my favourite food. ‘A nice cup of tea and a good pair of slacks, cream coloured unicorns and a lovely bacon sandwich…’
Doorbells and sleigh bells, schnitzel with noodles. DOORBELLS! Actual flipping doorbells! What the heck! How is a doorbell on your list of favourite things! It’s a bleedin’ utility, for heaven’s sake! And ‘schnitzel’? I didn’t even know what that was! Turns out, it’s a baby cow. For dinner. With noodles. Noodles! NOODLES! Actual noodles! That bucket of misery you live off when you’re in university…
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings. Was Mr. Hammertime hammered when he wrote this? Moon on their – what the hell does that even mean, you crazy coot! I don’t even know where to start with this little gem. I mean… I can only assume the writer is referring to moonlight, but how could one see the moonlight off the wings of the geese unless one was above them, thus suggesting the writer is… Superman? Well, how else would you know what that looked like? This song is ridiculous.
Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes. I mean, this is just creepy. Your favourite thing is a little girl in a white dress. With a sash, for some unknown reason. Snowflakes that stay on my nose and my eyelashes. Oh, come on. Who likes that? They freeze over and you can’t blink properly! Why is that your favourite thing! You sound like a right sadist. And as for silver-white winters that melt into spring, I have but one thing to say: ever since when has snow been silver? Just how much spinning has this bloody girl been doing in those Alpine mountains? Enough to make her bloody retinas detach?
So let’s review the evidence. This girl’s favourite things include raindrops on roses. Overrated, if you ask me. Whiskers on kittens, instead of actual kittens, like a normal person. Bright copper kettles and frickin’ mittens, like a lunatic. Brown paper packages and cream coloured ponies, like an even bigger lunatic. Little girls in white dresses, too. And she’s clearly colour blind, loves killing and eating baby cows, and is so delirious she thinks she’s Superman. I just… am I the only one seeing how nuts all this is? She’s absolutely batshit crazy and needs serious psychiatric care, she really does…
No, these are not a few of my favourite things. I like normal things like normal people, like bacon sandwiches and actual coloured snow. Are these a few of my favourite things? Yes. Are the things in the song? Absolutely… not.
But are they your favourite things, readers?
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