Are There Any Female Leprechauns?

Post 836

Oh God… leprechauns. I’m actually doing an actual post on… oh, golly, where did it all go wrong? I mean, leprechauns! Wonderful, wonderful leprechauns! Ireland’s number one source of potassium. Oh, yes. Leprechaun stew is highly prized over there. Of course, leprechaun hunts are incredibly rare nowadays what with the ban ruining everyone’s fun. No, I kid. As famous leprechaun Elvis Costello once said, leprechauns are basically Ireland’s version of hippies. Little impish creatures high on mayhem and booze, hell-bent on waving a wand of destruction over the establishment, whether by trashing a pub or putting flowers down the end of guns, failing to realise that a flower, at speed, is more than capable of lodging itself in your forehead. Still, I wouldn’t mind being called a ‘flowerhead.’ Sure beats being called a dickhead all the time…

Leprechauns are, actually, a type of Irish faerie. You know what they are. Little bearded men partaking in mischief, often wearing tall green hats and coats, solitary beings that spend their days cobbling and their nights standing guard over their pots of gold. It’s said they grant three wishes to any human unfortunate enough to capture them, usually, “Will you go away?” “Why won’t you go away?” and, “What will it take to make you go away!” Throwing them into wooden cask of port often works. Don’t ask me how I discovered that.

However, you’d be quite wrong. Samuel Lover once wrote of leprechauns, ‘Quite a beau in his dress, not withstanding, for he wears a red square-cut coat, richly laced with gold, and inexpressible of the same, cocked hat, shoes and buckles.’ Yes, leprechauns used to wear red, not green, the opposite of Santa, who used to wear green, then red. Funny that. Samuel Lover is a great name, by the way. I wonder if… Alan Lover. No, it doesn’t work with my name. Nothing can make ‘Alan’ cool. Sniff, whimper, etcetera.

The humble leprechaun is often described as a ‘son of an evil spirit’, a ‘degenerate faerie,’ neither ‘wholly good nor wholly evil.’ A degenerate faerie, huh? I’ve been called that plenty of times, too. Apparently, the leprechaun legend can trace its roots back to 8th century tales of water spirits, eventually evolving into a tale of a mischievous faerie said to haunt cellars and drink like a docker. It’s said that the legend of the leprechaun was a warning against greed and the folly of trying to get rich quick. So, basically, the leprechaun is a pyramid scheme…

You do wonder how cobblers have tubs of gold because, let’s face it, there aint a lot of money in the cobbling game. True enough. Others say, however, that they are the guardians of the world’s treasury, which would make the cobbling game… a front, like when drug lords buy a laundrette and… erm, well, I’m a good boy, so that’s all I know about this. Ahem. I think a cobblers would be a good front for any nefarious activity, though. Who would suspect the cobbler? “Holy crap, there’s been a drug related murder! I think our next step is to arrest the local cobbler…”

Interestingly, the name ‘leprechaun’ comes from an old Irish word meaning ‘pigmy or sprite.’ Alternative spellings include lubrican, not a guardian of lube, in case you’re wondering. Writer Thomas Dekker once used this spelling in his seminal work, The Honest Whore. ‘As for your Irish lubrican, that spirit whom by preposterous charms thy lust hath rais’d, in a wrong circle.’ Aye. The Honest Whore. Don’t write ‘em that like anymore…

One may assume leprechauns are a thing of the past, but there are still sightings, sightings that often lead to new, ever stranger leprechaun legends. Nearly 30 years ago, landlord P.J. O’Hare claims to have heard a scream coming from the well of Carlingford, yes, Carling. An actual alcoholic drink, ladies and gents. With haste, O’Hare ran to the well, and there he found the clothes of a leprechaun next to its tiny little bones. He did what any self-respecting Irishman would do. He promptly picked them up and put them on display in his pub. To this very day, there are leprechaun hunts in the town. And what’s more, the European Union has officially protected leprechauns under European law. I’m actually not kidding. They have heritage status. Actual leprechauns! They’re not even real! Like Santa. Oh, shit, I hope there aren’t any kids reading. Oh sod it, the cat’s out of the bag. While I’m at it, the stork didn’t deliver you to your mother. It was actually a nine month journey that began with gin and regret…

As you’d probably imagine, then, the Irish aren’t overly fond of leprechauns. As was once said, “For many years, we were afflicted with the miserable trivialities of our tourist advertising. Sometimes it descended to the lowest depths, to the caubeen and the shillelagh, not to speak of the leprechaun.” I think that is an outrage. I think I’m more than qualified to say that I think there is nothing wrong with the Irish celebrating their folklore. Sure, it’s a cliché, but it’s a lovely cliché that has ensured people have been flocking to Ireland for centuries gone and will be flocking for centuries to come. Who cares how leprechauns are perceived? You can’t buy tourism, you know. Unless you’re a dictator. But one quibble may have legs. If leprechauns are to be celebrated, where are all the women at? ‘Tis a good question. Oh, and, before we move on, I think I am qualified to speak on behalf of all the Irish as my grandmother was one. Irish-Italian, me. Now that’s what you call a cliché…

In one 1825 book, it’s said that, ‘Leprechauns seem to be entirely male…’ But is that so? Yes. Of course. Surely hiding all the female leprechauns would be the greatest act of deception in history. Probably. There are no female leprechauns, readers, which begs the question: why are there any leprechauns? We need the gals to procreate or we’d all die out. Until human cloning is invented, of course. Not… not that I’m saying there’d no longer be a need for the… oh, Lord. Anyone got a shovel? It’s said that, in actual fact, leprechauns are the unwanted faeries that have been thrown out of their communities. And why? Because they’re bad-tempered, hideous and malformed. Imagine that. “Ma, why are you dropping me off in the woods in the middle of nowhere?” “Because you’re a rotten, ugly little troll and we all hate you.” “Oh, that…”

However, there is controversy amongst the leprechaun believers society. Those in Carlingford, for example, believe leprechauns thrive in the local mountains and must be protected and allowed to thrive, thus suggesting they do procreate. Although we’re not sure with what, so this isn’t conclusive evidence of female leprechauns.

Truth is, there is no evidence of how they procreate or how they’ve survived for so long. There are no records of female leprechauns but, let’s face it, it wouldn’t be the first time women have been left out of history. Of course, it’s entirely possible they are asexual or maybe, even, have even perfected human cloning, in which case, WE’RE ALL DOOMED! This is only the start of a leprechaun takeover, people! They are far cleverer than any of us have realised! We’re all doomed! DOOOOMED, I TELLS YA!

So no, there are no female leprechauns, but I think we all have bigger concerns, to be honest…

Ciao :)(:

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