Sex droids! What better way to celebrate a marvel of science than fuck it. It must have been a man who first thought of this. Probably in the ‘40s in some cigar smoke filled room. “I tell you what the problem with women is…” You might think sex droids are the work of the seediest of perverted losers, but it’s a conversation we’re gonna have to have one of these days. No, really. So let’s have it. Now. We all know men love to go to Amsterdam on their stag dos to have it off with prostitutes, but… what, you didn’t know that? Don’t let your future husband go to Amsterdam. Our friends certainly can’t be trusted. But places like Amsterdam are currently investing heavily in sex droid resorts. And this does raise some questions. You’d certainly be less offended if your partner visited a robot brothel, but would you still be offended? Some would say yes, she’s a person and not an object. Others would say no, she is no different to a vibrator, a simple sex toy. Others would say that this a ludicrous debate to be having. Mainly women, I suspect. But women of Britain beware. In a recent poll, 63% of British men, over half currently in a relationship, said they would have sex with a robot and that it wasn’t cheating and therefore they wouldn’t tell their partners about it. So I’ll say it again. If your partner is off on holiday for a stag do, for the love of God, don’t let him go to a city with a robot brothel. It’s an important service I provide, it really is…
Robot sex is a novelty. Men love to be proud of stupid things. “I HAD SEX WITH A ROBOT, IT’S THE COOLEST THING EVER!” As it becomes more normal, it’ll be like the mile-high club in the ‘90s. Although, it must be said, commercial planes actually fly at six miles high, so you’re actually a part of the six mile high club. Sex robots these days are being marketed as having ‘almost life-like skin’ and a ‘wide range of emotions and moods.’ One California company just this year started selling sex robots with ‘fully functioning sex organs.’ This is happening people and we can’t pretend it isn’t happening anymore!
These robots will set you back a cool 12 grand, roughly 15 grand in dollars. I was – slightly – curious, so I visited their website’s FAQ section. ‘My robot’s hair keeps falling off, what do I do?’ Ha, ha, ha… oh God, I can’t breathe for laughing. Imagine if that… ha, ha, ha… oh, God, I need a minute… This website is brilliant! Question, ‘Do you just sell the head?’ Ha, ha… oh, I’ve gone again… Just makes you want to go and buy one, doesn’t it?
In all seriousness, this is a deep ethical question that we must… ha, sorry, just the head? Tee, he, he… oh, that’s brilliant. Anyway, ethics. Recently, at Goldsmiths University in London, there was held the ‘Love and Sex with Robots’ conference, after news broke such had been banned in Malaysia. The person behind the robot droids being sold in California, Dr. David Levy, said this: “We have companion robots and a partner robot is the logical continuation of the trend. In the next 10 years, it is perfectly achievable in software to create a robot companion that is everything that people might want in a spouse.’ And that will, inevitably, include sex.
Therefore, some have questioned why sex droids are even being created. Nowadays, we have haptic sex toys, which allow partners who are far apart to ‘touch’ one another and ‘stimulate’ one another from afar. I can’t see this being misused at all. Not at all. Some have called for more sophisticated sex toys, perhaps linked to virtual reality, as an alternative to sex droids. But still, some persist in their endeavours to make ever more realistic human analogues. As was said at the conference, “If we have a conscious machine, how will we know it’s conscious; how advanced will that consciousness be; what will be our responsibilities towards our creations? Will they have rights? Should we build in the idea of consent?” It’s an absolute minefield.
Others don’t give a hoot either way and say that, regardless of whether or not it is morally justifiable, it’s inevitable. “I believe that loving sex robots will be a great boon to society,” said chess champion David Levy, who, in liking chess, could probably really do with a sex robot. Aww, that was too mean. Sorry. “There are millions of people out there who, for one reason or another, cannot establish good relationships.” And that’s a great point.
In 2015, Kathleen Richardson of De Montfort University and Erik Billing of the University of Skövde founded ‘Campaign Against Sex Robots,’ calling for a complete ban on their creation. They argue it would be socially harmful and demeaning to women and children. However, Dr. David Kreps once said, “A robot is a machine, which only does as it is programmed to do. In this sense, our sexual relations with robots will always be ultimately similar to our relations with any other sex toy.” It all depends if the machine is self-aware. As Dr. Kreps once so eloquently put it, “Would you ask a dildo if it minded where you put it?”
Truth is, everyone is different. Some would only do it if the machine was sentient, whereas others would only do it if it was not. Others still, yes, but only ‘if I could programme it to do what I wanted.’ Many experts agree that, by 2050, human-robot sex will be commonplace and, as some believe, more common than human-on-human. And I get the arguments on both sides, I really do. You could be here all day debating this. For me, if it’s not sentient, it’s not cheating and there’s nothing wrong with it. They’re only in the image of a woman because we’re straight, there will be male sex droids for women and nobody would even think about campaigning against that. Of course, if she was sentient, then of course it’s cheating and of course, she’s no different to any human woman. But such robots are decades away and we’re talking about now. It’s 2017 and the non-sentient kinds are the only kinds we have. Would I have sex with one of them? Absolutely.
Charles Ess once said, “Sex robots will make possible ‘good sex’ or ‘plain sex’ for persons and populations otherwise separated from and/or unable to attract a romantic partner.” And that’s me in a nutshell. Human beings are entitled to a variety of things throughout life, things that, without which, life is pointless and meaningless. The basics, sure. You need food and drink. Somewhere to live. But you also need friends. To make a meaningful contribution to the world. To enjoy that world and everything good it can bring you. Without these things, life is without purpose or meaning. You can’t say you’ve lived your life if you’ve lived life without these things or without doing them. But some of us were born with a terminal disease known as introversion. We are denied love and friendship. Relationships and sex. The freedom to enjoy our world the way normal people do. We must live our lives in fear and panic. All the while with a constant buzz of terror lingering in our minds. That dread that we’ll never live a normal life. You give us a delicious cherry on to put on top of our cake of life, a cake largely made of shit, we will take it. And sex is one of those things you have to do in life, and introverts, like me, will never, ever have sex with a real woman. Because they really don’t like me. Any of them. At all. So of course I’d have it off with a sex droid, but know this: I’m not a creepy pervert. I just want one minute of my life to be normal, or even a simulation of normal. And if that means a sex droid is involved, so be it…
So yes, if she wasn’t sentient, of course I’d have intercourse with a sex droid. But would you, readers?
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