Would You Visit Earth-51?

Post 851

At the centre of the beating heart of the world of DC Comics is the multiverse, and trying to understand it is about as easy as trying to figure out how water works. Imagine the Earth is a blue marble. Now imagine you have lots of green marbles. Now scatter those marbles across and around the blue marble. That’s the multiverse. Lots of Earths in lots of fictional universes often interacting with one another and affecting one another in a way that makes one’s brain turn to mush. Some of them don’t even have names, in which case, I’ll step in and give them names, like Earth-Barnaby. Anywho, today we’re taking a trip to Earth-51. And this was a dark world indeed. This was a world where Batman finally killed the Joker and went on an insane murderous rampage. It’s also the home of Bouncing Boy, a boy who can inflate himself into a giant bouncing ball and bounce his victims into submission. It’s a… strange world, I admit…

The Joker of Earth-51 was a psychotic maniac with the appearance of a clown, dressed in a garish purple suit and endlessly proving to be more than a match for Batman. Batman was a bit annoyed by this Joker, and was particularly annoyed when he brutally murdered Jason Todd, who served alongside Batman as Robin. Brandishing a handgun, Batman hunted down the Joker and put a bullet in his head. You see, DC? You see! You don’t need to make your movies all gloomy. Just set them on Earth-51 and nobody will be mad with you anymore. Or as much.

Batman got a thirst for murder and began tracking down all the worst supervillains, using his superior strategic mind to succeed where so many before him had failed. One by one, Batman slaughtered his way through the entire world’s supply of supervillains until none remained. Other superheroes on this world had no idea what Batman was up to and so, naturally, assumed all the baddies had ‘turned good’ and had decided to stop being such big meanies. It is obvious, then, that the other superheroes weren’t as smart as Batman.

These other superheroes reacted to the disappearance of all their nemeses by revealing their secret identities, thus becoming more publicly accepted. Most of them decided to retire from being superheroes (I wonder what their pension plans were like), but, Batman, on the other hand, decided to carry on his one man war against crime and injustice.

Soon, Batman’s war was the only war still raging, as all the other wars had ended. Famine soon disappeared, as well. Utopia had been achieved and a new golden age for humanity was ushered in. The moral of the story here being that… erm, murder is great? Erm, it seems to be it, doesn’t it? Of course, this peace was never gonna last. Enter the Monarch. No, not the Queen. A supervillain, in fact. Actually, it could be the Queen…

Monarch was a total arsehole, if I’m being honest. He even brought the Joker back, albeit from some other universe. He wasn’t the only one brought back, either. Jason Todd was too. Batman was not overly pleased to see Todd, but, after some initial reluctance to aid him in battle against Monarch, agreed to fight alongside him. Todd took the mantle ‘Red Robin’ and, much like Batman, took the law into his own hands and killed the criminals that made up Monarch’s Army with little concern. He and Batman became good friends, partners in crime. Or should it be, killers in crime? No, wait… no, ‘partners’ was correct. Carry on…

Monarch, eventually, took a leaf out of Batman’s book and killed every last superhero. Even Batman died. By this point, he was royally pissed off with just about everything and so it didn’t come as much of a surprise to Red Robin when he found Batman, in a mad rage, beating the crap out of the Joker. Suddenly, Batman was killed by the Joker and Ultraman. Heavily dismayed, Red Robin took it out on the Joker and killed him, too. Much like Batman had done all those years previously. Red Robin, together, with Donna Troy, Ray Palmer and Kyle Rayner, fled to the planet Apokolips. Earth-51, meanwhile, never stood a chance. Metropolis was the last city standing, but Monarch and his army were stopped by the Monitors, a race that travelled across the multiverse.

The Monitors brought Superman along for the fight but it all went a bit Pete Tong. Thousands died on both sides. And then Superman punched Monarch so hard it… caused the destruction of all reality. I mean, really, way to poop the party, Superman. Amongst those killed was Elizabeth Lawrence, a superhero named Liberty Belle, who had entered the world of politics after peace was achieved. Her son was also a superhero, of the name Merryman (oh, these names are getting better). He was a member of The Inferior Five, a team of incompetent superheroes who joined together to fight crime because none of them could do it on their own. Merryman, Awkwardman, The Blimp, Dumb Bunny and White Feather. Aye, I’m not making this up. Merryman’s father, in case you’re wondering, was also a superhero, of the name The Patriot. None of this is remotely relevant, but I love it so much, I thought I’d share it with you…

I say all of reality was destroyed. Well, not quite all of it… a plant survived, at least. That’s something. It was enough for Monitor Nix Uotan to recreate the reality, but even that didn’t go to plan.

It was awash with superheroes, including the troupe who fled to Apokolips, with Red Robin returning to his crime fighting ways, disposing of his costume. He had other clothes, obviously. Although a naked superhero would be a good way to stop criminals. They’d die laughing, if it was me. This new Earth-51 was also joined by none other than… the Karate Kid. No, not that one. A different… you know what, it’s not important. He soon became infected with the Morticoccus virus, and, yet again, Earth-51 was inflicted with more death and doom. Karate Kid died and the virus escaped into the air, circumventing the biohazard protocols of STAR Labs and Cadmus, getting out into the general population. A vaccine was created, but it was too late. Earth-51 destroyed again? Not quite.

This particularly bitchy virus scrambled the DNA of its victims, mutating life forms all over the world. It was the most fatal disease known to humankind. Heroes, villains and citizens devolved and were transformed into maddened human-animal hybrids, whilst the animals of the world became super intelligent. Some would say this was the point in the story where Earth-51 jumped the shark, but that’s ludicrous, because that would create noise and you can’t create any in the library where the sharks spent most of their time. Obviously.

But here’s an interesting twist. Karate Kid was a plant by another Monitor named Solomon, who sent Karate Kid back from the future (all kinds of franchise mashups going on, here) already infected with the virus, to Earth-51. Civilisation started to fall. People were panicking. Imagine waking up next to your beloved, only to discover she was now a sloth. I mean, you might see it as an improvement, but it aint good for the world, is it now? And the rest of the universe didn’t fare much better, either. The Green Lantern buggered off to get help from some alien worlds and, inadvertently, spread the virus. What a tool.

In case you’re wondering, Karate Kid’s successor was a man named Myg. Myg was also killed. This time by famed supervillain Radiation Roy. Yes, Radiation Roy. I mean, come on… Radiation Roy! Imagine hearing that for the first time. “Oh no, a supervillain! Who… who are you?” “Radiation…” “GASP!” “ROY!” “ARRGH… oh, that’s, actually, that’s… rather disappointing…” Imagine a duel between him and Bouncing Boy. Oh, joy.

The super intelligent animals banded together on what was left of Earth-51 and they took control, and took it hard. The last superheroes had escaped to elsewhere in the multiverse. All that was left of the humans on Earth-51 were Una, Buddy Bank and a grandson so important to the story his name was never uttered.

Buddy Bank was a semi-retired tech working for Cadmus, who witnessed every single tragedy that befell Earth-51. He realised the futility of trying to combat the Morticoccus virus and made plans to find his daughter and grandson. Accompanied by Una, a close friend and a superhero, they found his grandson hiding from a mother gone feral, as you do, and, together, they fled a hoard of mutant rats. As if their day couldn’t get any worse, Bank then discovered his daughter… had also turned feral. Una didn’t last much longer, as you’d expect. She sacrificed herself so Bank and his grandson could escape. Una’s demise? Nibbled to death by mutant rats. Tragic, sure, but what an obituary…

The two survivors fled to a secure bunker known only as Command D where, together, they watched the world become engulfed by a nuclear holocaust, with Bank, every day, hoping his grandson would forgive him for making him ‘the last boy on Earth.’ I sure wouldn’t, though. What am I gonna do for a girlfriend, now! Have it off with a super intelligent Bugs Bunny!

Actually…

Thereafter, quite a lot happened to this world. At some point, it became home to washed up superheroes, somewhere to dump them when the publishers get sick of them. It’s like if Goldie the goldfish really did go to live on that farm upstate. This world was attacked, again, by Mandrakk, another Monitor. Then a portion of New Earth’s populous was moved here, to Earth-51, by a supervillain. Then the Judge of All Evil (yippee) got involved and eradicated the tiger soldiers. Oh yeah, they had tiger soldiers. Oh, and all the intelligent animals now have large empires whilst the Last Boy on Earth tries to stay alive. I find it utterly fascinating. Where else are you gonna see a child battling a super intelligent giraffe armed with a spear? Exactly! This is why we love comics. We’ve gone from Batman killing the Joker to a world where an elephant and a duck got married and had a baby elephuck. Tee, he, he…

If you really want to know more about Bouncing Boy, I can tell you that his official ability is the power to inflate himself and bounce around like a giant ball. He was created by one of the creators of Superman, probably on his day off. He was most famous as the husband of Triplicate Girl, who, as you can imagine, had the ability to split herself into multiple bodies, which would probably land Bouncing Boy in jail for polygamy…

But would I visit Earth-51? Are you absolutely kidding me? Have you seen all the death and destruction? I mean, I’d be traumatised after one superhero died, never mind all of them. And then the only one left starts murdering people because, hey, “I’m Batman! I kill people now.” It’s like if you found out that supermodel on that poster on your wall killed puppies for a living. Then you have all these Monitors popping up and you’ll never be entirely sure if they are there to kill you or help you out. Then all of reality was destroyed, the most terrible of Wednesdays, if you ask me. Then everyone turns feral. Then there’s a nuclear holocaust. Then there’s… I mean, I could really go on all day. It sounds like the last place you’d want to visit for a nice holiday, doesn’t it? I’d only go there to meet Bouncing Boy and Radiation Roy. Tee, he, he… oh God, I didn’t realise it rhymed…

So no! I would not like to visit Earth-51, thank you very much. But would you readers?

Ciao :)(:

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