What Would You Do If You Were the Last Person on Earth?

Post 866

I’d be most certainly wondering who was gonna make my breakfast, for a start. No, I’m kidding. Mummy doesn’t make my breakfast any more, come on, I’m nearly 27. Daddy does my din-dins, though, so that’s a concern. All that said, imagine the day. You go to bed in a world full of people and when you wake, you’re the only one left. Every single human has vanished overnight. Oh golly, that sure sucks. An entire world with a population consisting of just me. Oh dear, oh the humanity, oh, I’m so sad… actually, no it sounds rather gnarly. Imagine that. Only me. YIPPEE! I don’t have to talk to anyone ever again! And all the world’s bacon is mine! MINE! MINE! Mwa, ha, ha, ha…

I do wonder how long it would take me to realise I was the only one left. I’ll probably start to suspect things are awry when I venture into the kitchen for my morning toast. I may see something unusual that would draw my eye to the fact everyone is gone. The toaster won’t come on. There’s a downed plane in the back garden. I’m stood there frantically turning the light switch on and off again. It’s a very British thing to do when the lights won’t come on. Keep trying the switch. “Why won’t the lights come on?” “I’m trying damn it! On, off, on, off, on, off!” “Is it working?” “NO! I’ve tried everything and I’m all outta ideas!”

You go outside and all you can hear is the wind and the birds high up in the trees. Your morning peeping into your neighbour’s windows doesn’t herald the usual scream and sirens. Ahem. One slowly comes to the realisation that one is the last one alive and one can now say one to refer to oneself as much as one likes because there’s no-one left to complain about it… ONE! Ha, ha, ha! Try and stop me now!

For a hermit like one, it does sound rather joyful. Sure, I’d miss my family and my television programmes, but in a world where no-one is around to make them, there isn’t anything to watch anyway. I might keep making them, in fact. I’ll finish The Walking Dead. What if they were dead all along and the finale is all them meeting up in a church in the afterlife? What? Stupidest idea you’ve ever heard of? I agree. Nobody would do that. Ahem.

But things wouldn’t be so rosy for so long. The rugged and tough survivalist types, such as Edward Grylls, might cope, but people like me, well, we might struggle. Edward Grylls is Bear Grylls, in case you’re wondering. His real name. Nobody would be stupid enough to call their child Bear. In another life, he could’ve had his own range of grills, but I digress.

On top of this, one must contend with the shock of losing those one loved, and the utter bewilderment of the rest of one’s life all alone. We can’t do anything anymore in the western world. I don’t know how to light a fire, although I’d probably just collect some lighters. I can’t even rewire a plug. I know there’s a thing called a chocolate box, but other than that. And don’t tell me we won’t need rewiring skills. What about solar power, hmm? Eugh, a world with just me in it has turned me into a hippy. I feel so dirty…

I need water, food and shelter. Now, the shelter is the easy part. I might set off for that dome thing down in Cornwall. It has plants, right? I could grow anything in there and it’s solar powered. I could collect rainwater easily enough, too. I think I’m doing well, so far. Soon, I’ll have a menagerie of animals to gorge on. I mean, bacon can’t be too hard to rustle up, right? There are only so many ways to skin a cat. Or… a pig, I suppose…

Human beings can survive six weeks without food but only six days without water. Oh God, don’t tell me I’m gonna have to start drinking my own… eugh, I’m even more of a hippy now. I assume that’s what they do. “Oh, we don’t drink rainwater, it belongs to nature, man!” Oh God. Soon, with everyone gone, the electricity will go off. Pumping stations will stop working and treatment works will shut down. Not a problem. I’ll just crap in the ocean and hope Cornwall doesn’t have any sharks. I mean, a 25 foot shark did just wash up on a Cornwall beach, but it was dead, so there…

Water in domestic tanks would fall stale after only a few hours and will be riddled with naughty germs after a few more. Bottled water will be what I’ll survive on, thousands of gallons at my disposal. I’ll also have tinned food, like meats and vegetables, food that will keep for decades and decades. In 2010, a couple who married in 1956 ate a tin of chicken they were given as a present on their wedding, all of 54 years previously. 1956 they married! Just goes to show how long supermarket food really lasts. Also, who gives someone a tin of chicken for their wedding? Also, a tin of chicken? Is that a thing? I assume it’s chicken chunks and not an entire chicken stuffed in a can, but who knows for sure?

I could start fishing for fresh food but I’m not fond of fish. Although in this new world, I guess one can’t be too picky. I’ve also never fished before, so that’s an issue. Also, we Roman Catholics aren’t allowed to eat fish on a Friday. What? I fully intend to maintain religion. Nothing wrong with that. Heck, I could even start my own religion. The Church of Alan. That doesn’t mean I’ve gone crazy, readers, it really doesn’t. I’m perfectly sane. Just ask Rosie. Oh, Rosie is my girlfriend. She’s basically a broom with a wig…

The other source of food would be dear, but can you really kill and spit roast Bambi? Absolutely. I wouldn’t have a problem with that at all. I’ve never fired a gun before, though. I’ve been shot with a BB gun by someone who was bored, but that’s a different story. I’ll cope. I’d have to get out of the cities, though. It wouldn’t take long before the buildings and monuments would start to crumble and nature would start to reclaim what was once hers.

Older structures would be swell, but the modern glass and steel endeavours would perish within a few years. Within a decade, many would have collapsed. I want to be there when Big Ben falls over. Imagine the sound when it hits the deck. “THE BELL TOLLS FOR THEE!” I’ll shout. Unless it hits the Thames. “Aww, buggering ‘ell, it took me seven weeks to get here on horseback, have you any idea how chaffed I am!” Indeed. Fire would also be an issue, and not just for me trying to start it. One lightning bolt and boom, kiss goodbye to the entire city. And I’m not the fire brigade. John is in charge of that. John is a toaster I painted a smiley face on. It’s Rosie’s dad, don’t you know. Yeah, I know exactly what you’re thinking right about now. How can a broom have a father who’s a toaster? Funny story…

You might think heading to the countryside would be a good idea. Not so fast. We have nuclear reactors in the countryside for a reason. If they go boom, nobody will miss a few cows anywhere near as a city full of millions will miss their lives. The cooling pumps will fail and they will go into meltdown. You see, I said all along they were a bad idea and nobody ever listens to me. Sniff. Not a problem anymore, not a problem anymore…

It would be a good idea to get the hell out of Britain as several Chernobyl’s in the first year alone would happen and… that really doesn’t sound all too pleasant, does it now? Life would return to some sense of normality, though. I’ve got the basics, sure. Don’t need to bother with washing myself, I’ll just go for a walk in the rain. And as for cleaning my clothes, well, have you any idea how many clothes stores there are around the world? Billions. Probably. Or I’ll just go naked. Who’s gonna complain? The cockroaches? Golly, I sure hope they’re not called that for a reason.

Disease is an issue, of course. With nobody around anymore, infectious diseases are unlikely to spread, but one small accident would be ever present threat. One broken limb could mean death. And I failed first aid class when I was in the Cubs, like, so many times. Let’s gloss over the fact I was in the Cubs and the only badge I ever got was for ‘participation in unspecified event.’ Sigh.

Since I’m not accident prone at all (ahem) let’s move on to transportation. I’ve got a horse, somehow. I don’t know how to ride it but I presume it’ll do most of the heavy lifting. Traversing roads would become a nightmare, though. After a decade, most would become massively overgrown with weeds, and after 20, most would be impassable for most methods of transportation. After half a century, trees would be sprouting up though the motorways, although, that said, how many of us have been travelling down a motorway and fancied an apple? Hmm? Positives in everything, readers. “Stop Mad Rick, I want an apple!” That’s what I called my horse. Mad Rick. Bruce really likes him. Oh, Bruce is the name of I and Rosie’s son, by the way. He’s basically a cantaloupe, but that’s not important…

Books would serve me well, too. Everything I ever need to know is in them, except how to get into libraries with locked doors. I’d struggle to break the windows. I mean, vandalism is illegal and I would have a hard time breaking the law even though I’m the only damn sheriff in town. Life would be hard in this new world, sure. I mean, how long before the zoo animals break free? “Ah shit, it’s an armada of lions and giraffes!” I don’t know about you, but I’m more worried about the giraffes…

It’s fun to think, then, just what one would do between all this surviving. It’s hard to say, really. So much of what we do to pass the time involves electricity. Whether it’s our games consoles, television, vibrators, the internet, driving – you know, the usual. I mean, what would you do?

Explore Area 51. That’s nice. Maybe I’d find some juicy aliens… to have for supper one night. I could hit golf balls off the top of buildings. I could make it my mission to burn down every Trump Tower. He, he, he… Speaking of which, sadly, I could go and see if there really is a big red button in the White House. I wonder what it does. It would be funny if it blew up the Moon. Not for the Moon, obviously…

I could travel the world and see wonders nobody could afford to see, before they collapse. I could stand atop the Empire State Building and sing ‘Danny Boy’, for some reason. I could party like it’s 1999. I could even try to figure out how to get the good folks up on the International Space Station back down to Earth. I should probably have done that first, come to think of it.

I mean, the most logical answer is to run around in a circle screaming, but I can’t go for that. You know what? I think, most of all, what I’d like to do, is to catch up on my sleep. What? I’m a very tired person! It’s not a boring answer. SHUT UP, it isn’t boring! Alright then, I’ll steal the Mona Lisa and put it up in the bog…

There would be fun to be had, amongst the misery. Sure, there’s the threat of attacks by wild animals. Radiation. Madness. And loneliness. But none of that would compare to the fun of being alone, something I’ve strived for my entire life. To be left alone. What would I do if I were the last human on Earth? I’d be in my own personal heaven and I really couldn’t ask for anything better…

But what would you do if you were the last person on Earth, readers?

Ciao :)(:


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The Indelible Life of Me
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