Hmm… forgetting the practicalities of such an endeavour for just a mo, erm… I’m firmly of the belief that there has to be a reason to do something otherwise you’re just some mad fool sitting in a park, on a bench… feeding the ducks. And nobody sitting in a park feeding ducks has a reason to be there. Not even the ducks want you there. You’re not supposed to feed them bread anymore! It makes their tummies hurt. And if any kids aren’t reading, what it actually does is make them explode, but if any kids are reading, don’t worry, the ducks aren’t exploding. But they are. But you know, try not to have nightmares. The point is, I don’t want to be an exploding duck. Hang on, was that my point? I drifted off somewhere in the last few sentences…
Truth be told, there must be a reason you’d do something like this. What would make a man climb a very tall building using nothing but suction cups? Okay, King Kong has my beloved atop and he is holding her hostage. Why not use the elevator? Oh, what’s that? King Kong has knocked out the electricity so I’d have to use the stairs? Me? Stairs? Oh, gee. Well, look, I mean… we’ve had a good run, sweetheart, but I can’t defeat a 25 foot monkey. I couldn’t even defeat a regular sized monkey. I mean, if you take a look at Meat Loaf’s ‘I Would Do Anything for Love’ what I wouldn’t do is risk my neck to save her from a gorilla. I mean, sure, I love you, but come on – are you kidding me? There are, as they say, plenty more fish in the sea and they’re not being held hostage by an enraged ape.
So what other reasons could there be to scale a tall building using suction cups? What if there isn’t a King Kong atop? Well, maybe there’s a problem. Maybe a zombie horde is chasing me and all I have to hand is a method of scaling the building on the outside. True. But I’d prefer to use the window cleaning rig. And sure, that might be broke but come on, in a zombie apocalypse world, how long do you think I’d last? I can barely dress myself. In all honesty, I’d just give in. Zombies! Oh, well. I’ve had a good run. I wouldn’t even bother running away. Not even a gentle stroll. I’d be like those fellas on the Titanic playing music as it went down. Just grab my violin and let the zombies eat me. As survivors run away to safety. “NO! We have to go back for him!” “It’s too late!” “I agree. And hey, at least he’s giving us some natty viola tunes to escape to!” “Yeah! They’re beautiful! If… if you ignore all the screaming…”
Hey, maybe there are no zombies. Maybe I’m trying to break a world record. In which case, the window cleaning doodah is a great option. But how many records have been broken in a window cleaning jiggy? And I’m afraid of heights anyway. Plus, I’m not really the record breaking type. But it’s the best avenue I have right about now. But this creates further problems because everything must have a reason so therefore there must’ve been a reason I chose to break the world record. And maybe that was for love. Maybe Brie Larson offered to diddle me if I did it. Don’t know why and to be frank, I think this is less probable than the giant monkey…
Maybe it’s for a charitable cause but they’re more likely to ask you to get in a tub of beans rather than scale a tall building using suction cups. Maybe I offered to raise money for charity in the maddest way possible. Maybe Brie Larson dared me to do it and I have this wide-of-the-mark belief that doing so would win her heart. SHUT UP! I have a chance with her! Stop ruining my dreams! Ahem. Anywho…
Okay. Some super-awesome charity I’m doing this for. No idea why I chose to suction up a building but, you know, it sounds like something I’d come up with. Never thought about doing anything like this before, granted. And I am aware we’re going to have to take a bit of a leap of faith here as Mythbusters tried to climb a building using suction cups and it’s quite frankly ludicrously impossible. So let’s say it’s 2090 and we’ve invented super-duper suction cups and they are what I’ll be using. God, 2090? I’ll be 100-years-old. Which makes this feat even more impressive, granted.
So. Suction cups on my hands and I’m off. It would take a while, sure. I’d have to remember not to look down as I am apocalyptically terrified of heights. And I’d have to remember not to have lunch as I’d almost certainly throw it back up. And sure, let’s forget that I’m the world’s laziest person and my heart would give out on around floor seven, but you know what, I think, forgetting all that… I could climb that building. What? Why are you laughing? What about me makes you think I couldn’t climb a tall building using nothing but suction c – you know, now I say it aloud, you’re right, it’s stupid…
Would I climb a tall building with suction cups strapped to me hands and feet? Yeah. Why not? Sounds fun. But could I? No. But would I? Look, if I die aged 100 falling off a tall building I’m trying to scale with suction cups, I’d call that a good death and if I make it to the top, well, what an achievement, eh?
But, knowing my luck, King Kong will be waiting to gobble me up.
Also a good death.
But what about you, readers? Would you climb a tall building using suction cups?
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The Indelible Life of Me (New Post Every Saturday)
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