Well, that was unexpected! This could mean your coital abilities surprised her or it could mean that she didn’t expect you to turn into a clown when you climaxed. In either instance, it isn’t great. In one instance, she thought you looked like the kind of chap who couldn’t organise an orgy in a brothel. And in the second instance, she kinda has a point. Although, call me strange here, I think that turning into a clown when you ‘pop’ is one hell of a superpower and I can’t wait to see what Marvel does with it…
Now you might wonder what crimes this superhero can solve. But I’d much rather chat about the post-romp convo. As a man who hasn’t had sex I can’t imagine what I’d say but if I had to guess… thank you?
WHAT? WHERE ARE YOU GOING? I NEVER THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN! Ah, I know what’s happened here. It was the handshake, wasn’t it? I knew I should have gone for the fist bump. My problem with that is if I put my fist out, she might misinterpret it…
It’s said sex is a complicated thing and, as a virgin, I happen to agree. Oh, I understand the mechanics of it but it’s the practicality I don’t get. I understand the popping it in part, but the ‘thrusting’ part? Like… how do you do that? Why isn’t there a manual on this? You know, a ‘Sex for Dummies’ book? You might argue that you can’t learn sex from a book but I learnt how to swim from a YouTube video. Admittedly, I’ve never put it into practice but what’s the worst that can happen?
If you ignore the fact I can’t float. Well, a bit of me can, as it can in all men, but why would I be naked? Who swims naked? Are you mad? You don’t know what’s in the water. And I’m not talking about flesh-eating amoeba. If you’re going for a swim in Britain, that water is filled with poop and shopping trolleys. It’s bad enough I’m in the water in the first place, now I have my hoof stuck in a cattle grid?
The ‘hoof’ being my penis and the cattle grid being the shopping trolley. How the hell do I explain that one to the nurse? Well, I was swimming naked and the strangest thing popped out of the water…
Still, it’s not the strangest thing you can do in the water. Did you know that some people have sex in water? I know! Bizarre. What does that provide the experience? If it’s a shower… OOH, I’M ALL WET! Well, I’m insulted. If I was doing my job in the first place, you already would be. And if it’s in the bath I mean, jeez, all that squeaking? Nobody wants a squeaking bonk. I’d assume. Did I mention I’m a virgin?
Still, some people feel the need to talk after sex. I don’t know why. That said, there are many things about sex I don’t understand. Did I mention the thrusting? And what’s all this crap I’m hearing about music? Who plays music during sex? I can’t concentrate when there’s music playing. I need silence, man! And what the hell do you play anyway?
I’d opt for some Classic FM. Eine Kleine Nachtmusik, darling? That’s a ‘Little Night Music’, in case you’re wondering, perfect for sex. Unless I’m tired. Which is wrong if you’re a man. You know, to refuse sex if you’re tired. But if you’re a woman… IT’S OKAY, THEN!
Tiredness can put a stop to getting jiggy, but so can bad convos. So what is the worst thing you can say after intercourse? Well, there are many options.
What? People still say ‘jiggy’. Assuming you’d describe sex as a ‘jig’, I associate jigs with Morris dancers and gosh, I’m now wondering if they leave the bells on during sex…
“How IS your father?” “Gee, I hope the webcam caught all of that.” “Neato!” Although I’d take that as a compliment. “We need to talk.” Now? But I made you orgasm! WHY ISN’T THAT ENOUGH FOR YOU! ACCEPT MY LOVE! LOOOOOOVE MEEEEEE!
“Hurry up, my boyfriend will be here soon!” I guess that depends on how you define ‘cheating’. I’m very strict on the matter. Other people aren’t. For me, even a kiss is cheating. Others can forgive that. I once knew a guy in college who was APOPLECTIC his girlfriend dumped him after he cheated. He enjoyed a few minutes of oral sex with another woman the night before. He was upset his girlfriend dumped him because, and I’m quoting directly here:
“But that’s not cheating! We didn’t have sex!”
I weep for humanity. What else shouldn’t you say after sex? “Interesting.” “April Fools!” “That it?” “Thoughts?” Oh, don’t ask a woman what she thought of that. You’re only inviting trouble. Especially when you bring out the questionnaire. And the little pencil. Not a euphemism.
“You’re even better than your sister!” “Do you accept a cheque?” “Selfie?” Eurgh. I hate bed selfies. Heck, I hate selfies full stop. Did we have selfies in the pre-digital, film age? I’m not sure. That would kill the mood. Let’s take a post-coital snap! HANG ON LOVE, I NEED TO PUT A NEW ROLL OF FILM IN! Crk, crk, crk, crk. That’s me winding the film. She’s left, by the way…
“Ew, did you fart?” “We’ll cuddle after I’ve had a poop.” “Sorry.” “Toastie?” Don’t tell me women don’t like food in bed. Of course they do! My qualm here is with the toastie. It’s a very sloppy food. ‘Sloppy’ should never go with ‘sex’. A sloppy shag, for example.
“Who are you again?” “By the way, I was a virgin!” Ah yes, that quandary. To tell her or not to tell her. ‘Tis the question, m’laddo. I thought I wouldn’t bother if it ever happens to me. Apparently, that’s a huge ‘FAUX PAS’. As the French say. Or not. It’s just… I don’t want ‘careful’, you know what I mean? It’s like easing your way into a ball pit for the first time. Gently, gently. Softly, softly. Bah. I don’t want that. I want to dive in, headfirst. Into the ball pit that is, not into sex. Penis first, if anything, although that would hurt if it was a ball pit. Mind you, why are you naked in a ball pit? It’s the naked swimming all over again.
“On a scale of 1 to 10…” NO! Don’t ask her to compare! She already tore up my questionnaire! “Off you pop!” Oh, that’s cold. Unless the sex was terrible, then off you pop…
But if you’re asking me, a virgin, what the worst thing to say after sex is:
Nothing.
Not a single word. Not, “Thank you!” Or, “Ahhh, swell!” Or even, “Good job!” Not even a pat on the back? BUT THE QUESTIONNAIRE! You give me NOTHING? This is my first time! I need pointers! Pros and cons! Come on, love! I can take the criticism.
“Well, I enjoyed it until you turned into a clown…”
Communication is the key to a good, healthy relationship. Be sincere! I knew a girl in college who broke up with her hunk of a boyfriend because the oral sex wasn’t any good. Did she try to help him? NOPE. “Well,” she told me, “He should know what he’s doing.” PATHETIC! Never break up with someone ‘cause the sex is shit. HELP THEM, FOR GOD’S SAKE! If I’m drowning, and you have a life buoy to hand, I don’t expect you to let me drown. Trust me, the life insurance money aint worth it. In that I don’t have any.
Saying nothing is a cardinal sin. She might have enjoyed it. Or she might be annoyed I fell asleep on top of her.
Trust me, no one wants to wake up with a fat lump like me on top of them. Can you imagine ‘pins and needles’ but all over? You’ll look like a deflated sex doll, I assume…
Ciao :)(:
Post 1,896: But what do you think is the worst thing to hear after sex, reader?
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