What Would Be Your Dream Crisp Flavour?

I once wrestled a lion that broke into a nursery and threatened the children. With its teeth of course, not with legal action. I mean, where would you even start with a lawyer lion? The suit? That would be a bit of a nightmare. That would be a tailor WORTHY of a raise. You know, if he hadn’t been eaten. You might say you can’t trust a lion, but think about it logically: if that lion EATS the tailor, his law career is over. And that’s what Zootopia/Zootropolis taught me, as I’m sure it taught ALL children: you can trust predators. That it is WRONG to judge someone because of some preconceived notion. And, since that movie came out, has there been a SPIKE in children being eaten by lions? No! Which proves my point. Plain crisps are the best. How? Well, funny story…

Of course I didn’t once wrestle a lion. I’d let it take the children. Even IF they were mine because, let’s face facts here, children are incredibly annoying. This is because I am a simple man. I often get accused of being a ‘fun-ruiner’ and ‘boring’, which I’d argue isn’t too much of a complaint because I like being left alone and not doing anything. Once you gain a reputation as a boring individual, life is sweet. Nobody talks to you AND you never get invited to shit. Thus I’m spending my Saturday night NOT surrounded by drunks but instead wrapped up in a blanket watching Die Hard. So there ARE benefits to being a dull lemon.

Being all of those things is why my favourite flavour of crisps (or ‘chips’ if you’re American and wrong), is plain. You cannot improve upon that. If I asked you what your dream crisp flavour is, you’re likely to come up with something that doesn’t exist. Gin and kiwi, for example. Kiwi goes with a LOT of things. The fruit. Not the bird. I, however, would argue that I’m in my own personal nirvana with plain.

Now, you MIGHT call me ‘boring’ but would you call the man who did NOT head into the nursery to rescue the children from the lion ‘boring’ or ‘quite sane’? I’d argue that man was quite sane. This proves my point. Lovers of plain crisps are the men who would call the police to deal with the lion and inevitable bloodbath rather than BECOMING a part of the slaughter…

But in a world where you can conjure ANY dream crisp flavour, one that does not exist, what would you come up with, reader? Well, this is a problem for me. Because I am perfectly happy with plain. But Britain is the home of bizarre crisp flavours. Cheese and onion SHOULD NOT WORK, but my God, if that works what else can we put cheese with? Cheese and kiwi? Hey, that could work.

I’m not so sure about Mackie’s ‘haggis’ flavoured crisps, though…

So why not venture outside of the norm, then, in the quest to find my perfect, dream crisp flavour? It doesn’t have to be real. I could have rainbow-flavoured crisps. Or cannabis, even. With kiwi, obviously. I could Willy Wonka the hell out of this and conjure crisps that inspire hope. Don’t know how, like. I could get someone to scribble a positive message on each crisp with a Sharpie. I’m not sure how edible Sharpie ink is, but we eat squids and they are FULL of ink, so I deem this perfectly acceptable.

Well, as this is my 1,666^th post, the number of the beast (erm, plus ‘one’), maybe I could conjure crisps flavoured with despair. The vilest, bitterest, most abhorrent tasting crisps imaginable. Something so vile it leaves you retching, writhing around the floor in agony, visions of HELL itself etched into your brain. I’d call it the Devil’s Scrotum.

This may not sound like a dream crisp flavour, more of a complete nightmare, but it’s my fondest hope that this kills off a few of the weird flavour lovers out there…

But what would your dream crisp flavour be, reader?

Ciao :)(:

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My Other Blogs: The Indelible Life of Me | Stories of Her

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https://www.amazon.co.uk/Walkers-Ready-Salted-Crisps-units/dp/B01DBI0NP4?th=1