What Unconventional Way Would You Get the Chicken Across the Road?

Well, I’m assuming the chicken has somewhere to go and there is no crossing, right? I mean, even if there was a crossing, I’m not sure how she could push the button without some kind of helper and even then, why would she want a helper? She might be too proud for a helper, but that still doesn’t solve the issue of not being able to push the button. Oh sure, you might say, perhaps there would be some kind stranger to push the button for the chicken. Sure, there MAY be, but I sure as hell wouldn’t. Not to stifle the chicken, but it shouldn’t be in the city, it should be in the countryside. Sure, you might say it wants to be upwardly mobile in life, move into the city and get a job, but that didn’t work out for Babe when she was a pig in the city. That movie ended with her becoming a bacon sandwich. Well, at least it did in my head. So, in conclusion, the chicken has no way of crossing this road, regardless of its intentions. Which, from what I hear, is to get to the other side…

Now, a cruel man may simply boot the chicken across the road, but this presents one major issue: this is a wide road. A four-laner we’re talking about here. I don’t know about you, but I sure as hell can’t boot a chicken across four lanes of traffic. I mean, sure, I’d give it a go but if the purpose is to ensure the chicken is happy and healthy when it arrives on the other side, it won’t make it if I’m kicking it. It’ll end up splattered somewhere in the middle, won’t it?

Oh, and this is terribly cruel, of course.

Kicking and throwing do not seem like good options, here. So, you might think, ‘Well, the answer is obvious, some kind of catapult’. Sure, but this presents further issues. For one, we can’t guarantee the chicken won’t splatter into the wall of the building opposite and sure, you might say, ‘Well, it’s a park’. Fine. But are there dogs in that park? Because if there aren’t, that’s no park I’ve ever been in. But most pertinently of all, this is a busy part of town. What if there’s a pedestrian there, going about her business, and boom… chicken to the face. I mean, we could kill her here and what am I going to say to the judge in court?

He’ll do me for aggravated chicken manslaughter, he really will…

Now, you may say some kind of parachute system solves all of these issues but ah, I don’t think it does. Getting the chicken into the air is all well and good, if, of course, you can figure out a way for the chicken to launch itself and activate its own parachute, but what about birds? They’ll eat the chicken, right? And how high are we launching this chicken? Are plane strikes a possibility? And what about the chicken’s self-esteem? They can’t fly, can they? Sure, we may get her across the road but when she lands she will be forever haunted by the memories of her one and only flight. She’ll be suicidal people!

There are perilously few options for getting our chicken across the road. A bridge or a tunnel may seem most obvious but this is Britain and the government doesn’t spend money on feeding children so why the hell would they care about chickens? I think the cheapest and most obvious solution is to invest in some kind of chicken crossing.

Chickens are intelligent, right? So why not simply adapt an existing crossing with some kind of beak-sensitive pad, which the chicken can nudge with her… well, beak… activating the red traffic light to stop the traffic? The scope of my genius knows no bounds. It’s relatively cheep (ahem), it’s the kindest solution for both the chicken and the public, and it will end this incessantly annoying joke once and for all.

All that said, I really think the chicken needs to re-evaluate her life choices, here. Why do you want to be in the big city? I know if I was her I’d rather be out there, in the countryside, enjoying the fresh air and my many, mighty darling cocks…

Ciao :)(:

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