What Would Your Life Be like If You Sneezed Money?

You see, this is the problem with money trees. People go on and on about how wonderful it would be to have a money tree but it wouldn’t, would it? Money trees are extremely rare. Even if they weren’t, you’re still going to have people jumping over your garden fence to get a slice of the sweet moolah pie. Oh sure, you can try to inconvenience people by having it in krone, or something, but that’s ALSO going to inconvenience YOU. And God only knows what this is going to do to inflation. Now you might say that some kind of harebrained scheme is needed to stop thieves, you know, lasers and spikes and shit, but I’m not so sure it’s worth the effort. Face it, if we have money trees we won’t require jobs anymore and it won’t be long before the world ends in that reality. Thus people will have lots of time to work on circumventing my defences, like building a tunnel or nuking my house because if the thief can’t have it, no one can. And honestly, I don’t want to deal with the mess, I really can’t be bothered…

Oh sure, you say, I could try to keep the secret of my sneezing money nose quiet, but you can’t stop yourself from sneezing in a public place. Do you know those surprise sneezes? There you are, just walking down the street, and suddenly, BOOM! SURPRISE SNEEZE! Suddenly, everyone around you is all like, “OH MY GOD! THAT GUY SNEEZES MONEY! LET’S PUNCH AND KICK HIM!” Next thing you know, I’m lying on the floor covered in blood sans money from my money nose and, for some strange reason, they also stole my trousers.

So what am I going to do? There may be perilously little I can do. Even if I’m wearing my mask. It will soon burst with money and boom, we’re back to the same old problem. I can’t even go to the doctor and ask for a cure for this because I’m fairly certain she would never have seen anything like this before. I’m not sure she’s going to prescribe antibiotics. Oh, but she might prescribe going to see some kind of wood witch to lift this terrible curse…

My problems will only keep getting worse unless something is done about this. The obvious solution is to isolate myself in some woods, but this creates two problems. The first one being that I’d still need to leave the woods to do normal things, like go to the bank or feed my insatiable appetite for Fabergé eggs. And the second one being, what if people on the internet find me? That’s not great. Those lonely people will kill me! People always end up killing what they love. Just look at Jesus. Not that I’m comparing myself to Jesus.

Heck, I think He would have the same problem I’m having with my nose miracle. Can you imagine how many drunks were on His doorstep asking for their water to be turned into wine? God, His wife would be furious…

I did contemplate another one of my fantastic schemes, some kind of clear plastic, body armour to stop people stealing my nose money, but then I realised I could just be kidnapped. So, instead, I think I’d offer my services to London Zoo.

Do you remember the old days when we had elephants and lions in the zoo, and when houses were affordable and you didn’t need to sell a kidney to cover the heating bill? Well, good news! Well, for me. I’ve found a solution to the lack of wild animals in the zoo AND the cost of living crisis! Just for me, I must stress.

I can’t afford the cost of living OR a house. But what if I became an exhibit at London Zoo? They could put me where the elephants used to be! London Zoo has a new attraction, no wild animals are being caged, and I get a lovely home with a glass wall visitors can peer in and watch me sneezing out money. And hopefully, they’ll throw in some peanuts.

What would my life be like? Oh, it would be wonderful. For the first time in my life, people would be happy to see me. Sniff. Excuse me, I think I have something in my eye…

Ciao :)(:

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