Seagulls Are Being Rebranded – What Do You Name Them?

Let’s face facts here… seagulls are bastards. And you might think, ‘Hey, I didn’t know you live on the coast!’ I DON’T! The seagulls are after me. Wherever I go, no matter how ‘un-seagull-like’ it may be… THERE ARE SEAGULLS! And sure, you might say, ‘Well, humankind has turned them into bastards.’ How do you know that, hmm? You weren’t here before you existed, were you? It’s the tree falling in the woods. Sure, it makes a sound… BUT PROVE IT, DAMN IT! Prove to me that seagulls weren’t bastards before humanity showed up. That’s right, you can’t. And so it’s come down to me to rebrand the seagulls. Why? Well, you normally rebrand something because it’s offensive these days… or because it put its metaphorical foot in its mouth. Welcome, Larry Trotter! Perhaps this is the intention of the seagull lovers out there. It’s not my intention, however…

So seagulls are bastards. That’s a fact. Seagull lovers out there believe seagulls have a bad rap, but let’s be honest here, rebranding them isn’t going to change their behaviour. A name change rarely does that. If I dropped the dreadful name ‘Alan’ tomorrow and adopted the name ‘Dirk’, am I going to become as cool as all ‘Dirks’? No. Of course not. I’m still Alan.

Only somehow with an even stupider name.

But the hippies are out to protect seagulls. To free them of their guilt and unburden their torment. They can’t help being seagulls! How dare you judge them! Oh, I’m sorry… let’s say, for the sake of argument, seagulls are Eve. And Adam had it pretty sweet in the Garden of Eden until Eve ballsed everything up. Eve is a villain. She is a terrible, terrible human being. Just like seagulls. Except they’re birds.

Are you honestly telling me Adam doesn’t have a right to be upset? I’d be furious! I’d never forgive Eve for that. I’d demand a divorce immediately and start packing her stuff into boxes. Unless I’m misremembering the Adam and Eve story from when The Simpsons did it. But that’s not the point. It’s all Eve’s fault. So it was the point. Hmm.

Yet seagulls still exist. These skyrats surely have no place in our world and don’t ‘at’ me, hippies. Oh, but look at this evidence! Oh shut up. You can use evidence to prove anything these days. I’M NOT FORGIVING EVE! It’s too late! We should see other people.

WHAT OTHER PEOPLE, ADAM!

Exactly. Get the hint. If we are going to rebrand seagulls it’s not to make them seem nicer. Who’s going to be fooled by a ‘sky nymph’? It’s like putting lipstick on a pig. Hilarious and also, not that hilarious…

No, the aim of this game is to make seagulls seem real mean. Bastard Monster. Stealing my chippy chips. “Mam, it’s a Bastard Monster, run for your life!” We need to make people FEAR the seagulls. So much we declare war on the evil ‘gulls. Whatever it takes to eradicate them! And it all starts with a name. Never underestimate the power of words.

Boris Johnson. There you go. Your balls have just shrivelled up inside yourself, haven’t they? That’s what I aim to achieve. To turn seagulls into something so FEARED they make human beings do something completely reckless.

At the moment, we tolerate the seagulls. But a name change and a targeted hate ad should do the trick. Stand aside ‘seagulls’, hello ‘Bastard Monsters’. The meanest sons of bitches the world has ever seen. And you don’t like them. You grow up in fear of these beasts, dreading the day they come anywhere near you. Are you going to put up with that shit? HELL NO! Just look at their names. BASTARD MONSTER! They’re not named after John Bastard, you know. They are the enemy and it’s our duty to DESTROY them all!

A new name will do that. But what would you rename them, reader?

Ciao :)(:

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