You might think you know what a ‘scabby horse’ is, but if I told you it’s slang for a pimp’s cufflinks, you wouldn’t believe me. Now, it isn’t that, but if you stop and think for a mo’, does anyone know what a scabby horse is? I think I could manage a pair of cufflinks. They’re not too big, are they? My issue with this is living with myself. Nobody will ever know my terrible cufflink secret, but I’d know and if I know, that means someone knows. That someone being me. And I don’t think I could live with someone knowing that I ate a pair of cufflinks…
I’ve often wondered what ‘horse’ tastes like. It’s said it has a slightly sweet taste like beef. It would be difficult to explain this one to my daughter, though.
There she is, home from school, wondering what happened to her horse. Next thing you know, daddy has to explain he got the munchies and the fridge was empty.
“Daddy, what happened to Clip-Clop? I want to show her me dwawing…”
You might think you know what a ‘scabby horse’ is and… you’d be correct. In the horse world, we know scabbed skin in horses as ‘skin crud’. I can’t imagine I’d ever eat skin crud. Although it is a good name for a band. No, I like my horses scab-free, which is a problem when it comes to eating a scabby horse.
You might think there’s no way around this but you’ve yet to meet Scabby the horse.
The Horse Trust have a horse named ‘Scabby’. Let me tell you a little bit about Scabby. He’s a 22-year-old Scarborough Flyer. The trust describes him as ‘incredibly adorable’. And don’t worry, he has a heart condition so I’m pretty sure he’s not longed for this world…
You can see where this is going. No, don’t panic, I’m not going to kill him. He’s ‘adorable’, right? Even I’m not that much of a monster. Although I’m part monster because I am going to kidnap him. Well, not ME, exactly. Professional horsenappers, of course. Now, you might wonder where I’d find some of those.
Funny enough, I founded a horsenapping business some years ago. But I was unable to register it as an official business for some reason. I assembled the best horsenappers in the world. They stole Shergar. Not the one you’re thinking of.
Will this cause massive distress and upset to the people at the trust? Yes. And all the little kiddies who love to see Scabby. But you know I don’t like kids so I don’t care what they think. It’s almost as if the replacement I brought in isn’t good enough. Jesus, do you know how expensive VR headsets are? PAT THE VIRTUAL HORSE AND SHUT UP COMPLAINING!
I have a lovely home for Scabby. It’s an old circus tent. I can’t put him in a field. Although the circus tent is in a field. What’s that? Why don’t I put him in a field? Nobody will recognise him, he’s a horse! Oh my God. What are you, a horse racist? THEY DON’T ALL LOOK ALIKE, YOU KNOW! Dear God.
I will treat Scabby like a king. Sure, I have no idea what country would promote a horse to king, perhaps Liechtenstein. This makes me wonder why nobody followed the protocols for royal ascent. Turns out, the wife of the king of Liechtenstein changed his will and murdered him. She didn’t want the throne or the king’s prized horse. She wanted his money, though. So she ran off with that and named the horse king. You know, for a laugh. His subjects treated him very well until someone tried to poison him with a poisoned apple. For some reason, that horse didn’t like apples so the plan failed. Unfortunately for him, later that day he fell off a cliff.
How a shrew ended up in charge is anyone’s guess.
Until that fateful day, Scabby is the king. I have lots of magazines for him to read. I have no idea how he turns over the pages. And I have a 24/7 carer to care for all his needs. From food to sex. I must stress, my trainer is bringing Scabby female horses to bonk; she isn’t the one doing the bonking. That I’m aware of. You know, I’ll just check the webcam to be sure…
Scabby’s location is a secret. Which makes you wonder how I hid a giant circus tent. The trick is that I hid it inside an even bigger circus tent, which itself holds a circus every night. Now, I know what you’re wondering, reader. Would this circus-within-a-circus cause great distress to Scabby? Not at all! I made sure the circus wasn’t very good. It’s like a horsey speakeasy. If the cops show up, they’ll think it’s a struggling circus. They won’t grow suspicious at all. Not unless they wonder how the business is still going with so few patrons.
Ah, that’s an easy one. Next to the circus tent I built a brothel. It’s surprising how many people want to screw a clown…
I’ll send regular photos to the trust of Scabby to show he is being treated well. And that he’s happy. And hey, who’s to say I can’t kidnap his former carers, blindfold them and take them to a circus tent within a circus tent? Next to a clown brothel. To spend some time with Scabby. Kidnapping a person is far easier than horsenapping a… horse. Of course. You wouldn’t ‘horsenap’ a person. I’d take that as a great insult.
HEY! WHY ARE YOU REFERRING TO ME AS A ‘HORSE’? YOU CHEEKY GITS!
Scabby will live a long, full life. We’ll become the bestest of pals. And when he dies, I can’t think of a better way to honour him than to eat him…
Thus I have fulfilled the brief of eating a scabby horse.
Now, I know what you’re thinking, reader. A scabby horse. Not THE scabby horse. Okay, let me put this another way. Are there thousands of dogs on this planet named ‘Scooby Doo’? Of course. There are many. What would it take for me to eat A ‘Scooby Doo’? You see, my logic holds up, here. Stop arguing with me. It’ll cost me nothing to eat a ‘Scooby Doo’. Except the haunting stares of my children.
My issue here is what the trust will think of me but I’d argue I’m freeing this horse of its captivity…
Am I putting the horse into ANOTHER kind of captivity? I mean, I’d hardly call this captivity. Being eaten by me at the end of your life is an honour. If you call THAT captivity then sure, it’s captivity. But do you think a turkey feels that way at Christmas? NO! They’re delighted! A life stuffed in a cage in the service of human greed? Jesus, they don’t know they’re born!
You know, I often wonder why my time at PETA was so unfulfilling…
What would it take for me to eat A scabby horse? A simple case of horsenapping and an emotional bond that led to me eating my best friend. And I’m the bad guy? Pur-lease. Name me a Disney film this isn’t like, I bet you can’t, can you?
Ciao :)(:
Post 1,908: But what would it take for you to eat a scabby horse, reader?
To Contrive & Jive 
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